Moaning man child Prince Harry is like Tom Hanks in Big. If only he could go back in time too…
PRINCE Harry is Tom Hanks in the movie Big . . . without the laughs.
He’s a 12-year-old boy trapped in a man’s body.
A 6ft 1in man child with a global audience for his petty, perceived slights and “woe is me” narrative.
My older brother got a bigger room than me, disowned me at school and pushed me over.
My dad didn’t give me a hug.
My wicked stepmother plotted against us.
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No one understands me. Yada yada yada.
Take away the beard and he’s just a whining tweenie who views everything solely through the prism of himself.
It explains the prolonged, often reckless, adolescent behaviour, too.
The butt-slapping romp with an older woman, late-night partying, drugs, excess of alcohol, gauche humour and painfully naive missteps such as the Nazi uniform and calling his Asian Army comrade a “P***” because, he claims, he didn’t know any better.
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And then, along came Meghan, his very own Elizabeth Perkins, who played Hanks’s grown-up girlfriend and spent much of the movie bemused by her supposedly adult boyfriend’s juvenile antics.
What went through the mind of this mature, sophisticated woman when — while in labour with their first child, Archie — her husband ordered himself a Nandos and took so many hits of gas and air that, when she needed it, the tank was empty?
He sounds like an errant teen waiting for the arrival of a new brother, not a responsible father-to-be.
Such gaucheness might also explain the frankly jaw-dropping naivety of peddling his “truth” when, having lived life in the goldfish bowl of the Royal Family, there were always witnesses who might contradict his flawed version of events.
The Sunday Times reported that some of the old friends he has cast aside since meeting Meghan are thinking of going public with their Harry stories as they are perplexed by his rewriting of history.
Similarly, it takes minimal research for journalists to produce evidence that challenges many of his claims — most notably his shameful assertion Camilla leaked to the Press that she had met Prince William for the first time when it categorically wasn’t.
But just like the disruptive kid in school, Harry will stubbornly drill down, fail to take responsibility for his mistakes and blame someone else.
How else to explain why it’s taken him 18 months to claim he and Meghan weren’t accusing someone in his family of racism? God forbid.
They were simply highlighting the “unconscious bias” of the institution and the media made it something it wasn’t.
Disruptive kid in school
And the band played Believe It If You Like, as my old granny would say.
But you know what? I actually have a lot of sympathy for Harry the man child, who is undoubtedly a product of his circumstance.
Despite the “never been happier” sentiments, the simmering steam of resentment from his every pore suggests a barely suppressed anger often linked to unresolved childhood trauma.
He lost his mother at 12 and, unforgivably, was forced to walk behind her coffin and share his grief with a general public who’d never even met her.
According to journalist Richard Kay, who knew Princess Diana well, she’d always insisted her boys were treated equally, despite the institution’s tendency to focus more on the heir than the “spare”.
In one telling anecdote he recalls Diana felt the Queen Mother favoured William and asked her not to be so obvious about it.
After Diana’s death, perhaps the family emphasis shifted back to the future King William and made Harry feel exposed, surplus to requirements and alone — even if that wasn’t the intention?
So, when Meghan came along and prostrated herself on his mother’s grave to ask for “clarity and guidance” (make of that what you will) it’s little wonder he fell hook, line and sinker for who he perhaps felt would be his new, protective wingwoman.
Unlike Tom Hanks’s character, though, there’s no Zoltar machine to take him back to childhood and perhaps change his fate.
He needs to grow up, process his pain privately, gain perspective and move on.
Other seeming contradictions from Spare include:
He refers to having a therapist on speed dial, so why did they not help Meghan when she needed it?
Why did he have to put a sofa “on Meghan’s credit card” when his mother left him millions?
How does his claim William was horrible to him fit in with the podcast chat he gave in 2019 when he credited his brother with being his protector?
And why put a Taliban target on his head with his kill number when he constantly bleats about his family’s safety?
Just because you feel something – i.e. that your father “couldn’t stand” the fact that someone (Meghan) would “take centre stage” – doesn’t make it a fact.
Why does he criticise Diana’s ex-butler Paul Burrell for “milking” her death when arguably he’s doing the same thing?
There are plenty more, but space prohibits.
Stell’s style is steep
THE fashion firm headed by designer Stella McCartney has reported substantial losses of £32.7million.
But 51 year-old Stella apparently hopes to improve her brand’s desirability by attracting a younger generation of eco-shoppers with a conscience.
Consequently, her new Frayme range of handbags is the world’s first to be made from vegan “pleather”.
The cost? Anything from £850 to £1,200.
Cripes. Who – other than trust fund babies – can afford that?
Something tells me her losses might be about to get a whole lot bigger.
Humans beat A.I
A ROBOT could be introduced to some British care homes this year to help alleviate the staffing crisis.
Much like the ones serving food at certain restaurants, the Aeo android can do rounds to check up on residents and bring them food and medication on a tray.
Which is all well and good if the recipient is compliant.
But if, like my mother during a recent hospital stay, they’re averse to pill taking and inclined to hide their medication under the mattress, it takes an equally canny human brain to suss them out.
He fits the bill
KING Charles has reportedly booked Billy Ocean to sing at a concert to be held at Sandringham in May.
Prompting suggestions of “When the going gets tough, the tough get going”.
But perhaps Billy might cheekily rewrite another hit just for the occasion?
Red hair spells danger.
LLOYDS Bank has drawn up plans to give 10million supposedly “low value” customers a cheaper, second-rate service.
How will we notice the difference?
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Jumpsuit’s wee problem
THIS jumpsuit is one of the options being offered to female cabin crew working for British Airways.
All very stylish and on trend etc, but when you want a wee and have to squeeze yourself out of it in a 4in x 4in toilet cubicle with a queue of impatient passengers listening to (and timing) your every move, it’s appeal wanes.
