I’m a psychologist – 9 rules to help you avoid a Christmas family fallout and the exact time to kick your relatives out
CHRISTMAS is one of the most stressful times of the year.
From arguing over presents to dealing with kids’ tantrums and family feuds, celebrations and tension go hand in hand.
But it is possible to survive without feeling frazzled.
Vanessa King, head of psychology at charity Action For Happiness, tells Leo Roberts how to say goodbye to seasonal stress.
DON’T BE A DOMESTIC GODDESS
THE pressure to dish up a Nigella-worthy Christmas dinner has resulted in many a meltdown.
A quarter of us find cooking our festive feast stressful, according to a YouGov survey. And with different dietary requirements, it can feel like you’re in your own nightmarish episode of MasterChef.
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Vanessa says: “It’s all about forward planning. Make as much as you can in advance and freeze it.
“Don’t be a martyr — ask for help. Get everyone peeling the spuds and sprouts the day before. Put on some fun Christmas songs so it becomes part of the festivities.”
SET TIME LIMITS FOR GUESTS
OUR loved ones “dropping in” can increase stress levels especially if they outstay their welcome.
Vanessa says: “Be honest and say, ‘It’s really lovely to see you, but I need to crack on.
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“Can we find a time to get together in the New Year?’ It’s about being as kind as possible, even if that means telling a little white lie.
“If we prioritise other people’s needs over our own, we’re going to be overwhelmed.”
DON’T BE AFRAID TO BE A SCROOGE
WHEN it comes to presents, the pressure to deliver can be overwhelming. And with ads tempting kids with the latest gadgets, gift giving can break the bank.
Vanessa says: “This year is going to be a real struggle for some people.
“If kids are wanting a big gift and you simply can’t afford it, have that conversation with them. Explain your budget and tell them to choose something that fits it.
“If you rack up massive credit card bills to buy them the latest toy, you could be racked with worry about how to pay that off.”
PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY
CHILDREN love Christmas and their excitement can be infectious.
But if you’re trying to wrap presents, stuff the turkey and keep Gran’s sherry glass topped up all at the same time, kids’ demands can be infuriating.
The answer is to give them your undivided attention — but just for a few minutes.
Vanessa says: “The thing children want the most is quality time with their parents. But make sure you’re not multi-tasking — or on your phone — while you’re with them.
“Fifteen minutes of your undivided time and attention will make them feel more special than an hour where you’re distracted.”
DRAW UP A TV SCHEDULE
CHRISTMAS is one of the rare times we watch telly with others, but with different generations coming together, it’s not long before we’re fighting over the remote.
Vanessa says: “Christmas is about sharing a collective experience.
“Let everyone pick something to watch, then stick to it, so no one feels left out.”
WATER IT DOWN
CHRISTMAS and boozing go hand in hand. But while a tipple can take the edge off festive stress, one too many will increase the likelihood of a family flare-up.
What’s more, a raging hangover on Boxing Day will leave you less able to cope with kids.
Vanessa says: “Alcohol lessens our ability to manage our emotional responses and also impacts on our sleep.
“When combined with all that salty festive food and being in a warm environment, it will also leave you dehydrated.
“Don’t forget to drink plenty of water along the way. It’s not about missing out, it’s about self care.”
PICK YOUR BATTLES
ONE in three of us predicts they will have an argument over Christmas, with long-standing family tensions the big trigger.
From bickering about TV to clashing over which games to play, there are many possible pitfalls.
Vanessa says: “Think, ‘How might I respond as a constructive adult when this happens?’ Some things simply aren’t worth getting heated up about, so we just have to let them go.
“Think of it as a gift to yourself — you can come away feeling wound up, or you can choose not to react.”
MAKE A JOYFUL PLAYLIST
WHEN you’ve been trapped under the same roof as your loved ones for several days, it’s natural to want a break from it all. But how do you indulge in some “me” time without causing offence?
Vanessa says: “Taking time out to ease the pressure of Christmas is actually an investment. Instead of waiting for things to flare up, have regular breathers as a healthy preventative measure.
“It could be as simple as going for a walk and ringing a friend, or creating a playlist of calming songs to listen to in the bath.”
LEARN TO SAY SORRY
IF you do have a bust-up before the presents are unwrapped, don’t panic. Just be prepared to swap that mince pie for humble pie.
Vanessa says: “If you do blow a gasket, it’s really important to take yourself out of the situation.
“Go for a walk, then come back and have the courage to say, ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have responded like that. I was really upset’.
“It’s important not to catastrophise, too. Avoid saying, ‘Christmas is ruined!’ and throwing the turkey on the floor.
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“Christmas is a pressure cooker and sometimes things like this do happen.”
- Vanessa King is the author of List Happy: 75 Lists for Happiness, Gratitude, and Wellbeing