I’m a family relationship pro – 10 ways to keep peace with in-laws to avoid rifts like Victoria Beckham and Nicola Peltz
RUMOURS of a feud between Nicola Peltz and her mother-in-law Victoria Beckham aren’t going away – with Brooklyn Beckham stuck in the middle.
Speculation of the rift allegedly started when Victoria, 48, went silent on Nicola, 27, after offering to design her wedding dress.
Brooklyn, 23, has come out saying that Nicola is his “No1 priority” and that they “have each other’s back 100 per cent”.
Brooklyn hasn’t posted any photos of his family since July — and videos of the couple with Victoria at Paris Fashion Week appear to show relations are frosty.
But it isn’t just the rich and famous who have to navigate this tricky family dynamic.
Author and mum, Melissa Urban, claims that parents are said to be the cause of conflict for 60 per cent of couples and says, “Setting boundaries around these behaviours is the first step in creating a healthy relationship.”
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Below she reveals ten ways to both keep the peace when tensions are running high.
DON'T BITE YOUR TONGUE
IF issues with the in-laws arise, the best place to start is an honest conversation with your partner.
Share your feelings about how your in-laws make you feel and the ways they negatively impact you and your family. If there are issues, start by trying to find a compromise.
This might be setting a reasonable limit on the number of days your in-laws stay with you — or offering to pay for a hotel or Airbnb so they can be nearby.
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HANDLE YOUR OWN PARENTS
YOU and your partner need to set a united front, but you should each handle your own parents.
If you implement rules, you and your partner must agree to implement them together but it’s your partner’s job to handle the conversation with their own parents on both of your behalf.
This may be uncomfortable for your partner, so you may need to encourage and support them in laying the boundaries.
RATE YOUR ANNOYANCES
WHEN issues crop up, ask yourself on a scale of 1 to 10, how much do things bother you.
Do you care that your mother-in-law drops by without calling? If so, where do you rate it? Then ask your partner how they feel.
Decide at the same time, then reveal your answer without sharing your rating — you don’t want your answer to be swayed by your partner.
If it bothers you a seven, but your partner only rates it at a three, that helps you set a mid-range boundary.
YOUR WAY OR NO WAY
YOUR parents as well as your partners’ parents may feel like they’re helping ease your burden by disciplining, correcting, or otherwise parenting your child.
But it’s important to address this behaviour as early as possible, even as it’s happening.
Start by explaining that you are the parent and your in-laws should sit back, relax and just enjoy being grandparents.
Explaining in front of your kid, “It’s OK, Grandma, this is the way we do it at our house,” can go a long way toward helping your child feel secure, while gently reminding grandparents that it’s your house, your rules.
THEIR HOUSE, THEIR RULES
THINGS can get tricky when your kids spend time at Grandma and Grandpa’s without you.
For instance, in our house, I let my son get out of bed and play at 6:30am, but Grandma wants him to stay in his room until 7am — and it’s their house, their rules.
You may have to remind your parents and in-laws that though they disagree with your parenting style, it’s your life and your child — and there comes a time for every grandparent’s rite of passage: butting out and minding their own business.
NEGOTIATE ON FAVOURS
IT’S normal for your parents and in-laws to want to help out — both financially and in day-to-day life. But you need to know where your boundaries lie.
For example, your in-laws might offer to pay for your wedding — but you might only want to accept that if you can plan it 100 per cent your way.
Know that is fine — but that you must express exactly that — or share what you are willing to negotiate.
It means you can meet expectations on both sides and set boundaries if they start to feel entitled later.
For example, if you’re repaying money they lent to you for your house, make it clear that the repayment is the exchange you agreed to — and doesn’t come with unrestricted access to the house they helped you buy.
Have a level- setting conversation to set clear expectations and how you can decide together moving forward.
START SMALL
YOU don’t have to rush into the biggest, gnarliest, most family-dynamic-changing boundary first.
Practice with something less intimidating, gain a small win, and let that self-confidence and those experiences carry you over into the “please don’t drive across the country without telling us you’re coming,” conversation.
CHOOSE YOUR TIMING WISELY
HAVE these conversations during a peaceful time, ideally outside of or before the anticipated boundary issue — so, before the baby is due, before they no-call-drop-by, before the holidays, and before you share your holiday plans.
BE PREPARED TO REPEAT
WITH relationships as long-standing as family, it’s unlikely one boundary statement will do the trick and change things for good.
If you’re talking about changing deeply entrentched patterns of behaviour, be prepared to restate your boundary again and again.
Assume your family and in-laws want to be respectful, but allow them time to rewire their brains to accommodate this new dynamic.
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IGNORE THEIR TANTRUMS
ALLOW your family and in-laws space to process the request and the opportunity to talk about it (but not to try to change your mind), but don’t let them sucker you into believing you’re the one who ruined Christmas.
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If your boundary is clear, kind, and designed to make the relationship better, other people’s temper tantrums in response are not your business.
- Edited extract by Natasha Harding from The Book of Boundaries: Set The Limits That Will Set You Free by Melissa Urban (Vermilion, £16.99) published on October 20.
YOU NEED TO FIX THIS, LADIES
By Samantha Brick
THEY say you can’t choose your family – but what they don’t mention is that you don’t get to choose your in-laws either.
When us ladies say “I do”, we are in fact agreeing to take on a whole new unknown family package too, whatever that looks like.
I’ve had decades of experience dealing with mothers-in-laws and, as Victoria and Nicola may be finding out now, It is hard work.
I’m on my second marriage and had very different experiences with each mother-in-law. I got along with the first without a hiccup. My ex was an only child and I was immediately taken under her wing. She made sure I fitted into her home and life like the daughter she’d never had. I loved her.
We had so much in common and, crucially, we didn’t compete for my husband’s attention.
Once a month we’d all get together and it meant my mother-in-law got to spend quality time with her only child and their relationship thrived as a result.
We women were the glue holding the family together – and boy did we make it work. When it was clear our marriage wasn’t working out after five years together, it wasn’t my husband I feared telling but my mother-in-law, and I absolutely dreaded breaking her heart. We didn’t speak again.
After having a pitch-perfect relationship the first time around, my relationship with my second mother-in-law proved a lot trickier.
I married Pascal, 61, a carpenter from France in 2008 and I learnt quickly that French women dominate family life. Our situation perhaps made Victoria’s and Nicole’s seem tame but I hold my hands up, the ins and outs sound trivial now that the years have passed.
As Pascal’s third wife, I’d often get called one of my husband’s exes’ names, which was hurtful, not to mention rude. I still don’t know if it was intentional.
She also didn’t like me speaking English in front of her, which was upsetting. Any man worth marrying would hate seeing his wife unhappy and logically he’s going to side with the person he cuddles up to first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
And that’s what Pascal did. He “had my back” and didn’t see his parents either. It took three years for us all to kiss and make up but now I finally see her for who she is – a formidable woman who has raised four kids.
I confess I haven’t been the perfect daughter in law. I’d make a song and dance about having to remove my shoes in her home. In the past she has been gracious and let me keep them on but now I’m mature enough in our relationship to take a pair of slippers along with me.
I’m vegetarian and without being asked she will always cook a separate meal for me when there are a dozen of us around her table. Do I thank her? Probably not often enough.
My message to Nicole and Victoria is this – put your big girl pants on and fix this because, as the saying goes, the days are long but the years are short.