I’m a parenting expert & five ways to help separation anxiety at drop-offs & the CALM technique that always works
SEPARATION anxiety or fear of strangers is common in young children - and is particularly experienced around the age of six months.
But there's no denying it can be exhausting for the parent - with separation anxiety in babies causing many to be very clingy either at nursery drop off, when the baby sitter comes and it can even hang around until school age.
Well the good news is, there are ways you can minimise such periods of separation anxiety and shorten the length they go on for, according to a parenting guru.
Speaking exclusively to Fabulous, Hannah Love explains: "It’s actually a lovely developmental leap as it means your baby recognises you, it also means they know you are still around when you leave (and so therefore can participate in games like peek-a boo).
"However, it isn’t without frustrations. Through phases of separation anxiety babies can be very clingy, refuse to be put down, cry if in other people’s arms and it can understandably cause sleep regressions - when babies or toddlers don’t want to be left on their own at bed or nap times."
Here, Hannah reveals her top five tips to prevent and reverse separation anxiety in babies and toddlers...
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Independent sleep
Hannah says that her number one tip is to ensure that your baby can sleep independently, no matter what age they are.
"If your baby is relying on you to go to sleep, return to sleep, contact nap and be in the room while they go off to sleep, this will mean they'll find it much harder to be away from you," she explains.
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"Sleep is a basic need and if your baby knows they can’t manage it when you’re not there, this will add to their separation anxiety."
The parenting guru, who runs a , adds: "On the contrary, if your baby is sleeping independently of you (which is possible from birth) then it will be normal for them to be left on their own to go to sleep, and this daily practice will minimise separation anxiety in your baby."
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Practice makes perfect
The parenting expert goes on to highlight the importance of leaving your baby with others.
"The more other people are involved in the care of your baby the less they will be anxious of being separated from you," she says.
"It’s tempting to do everything yourself, but this will add to anxiety when your baby needs to be away from you."
Hannah advises sharing bath time, getting others to put your baby to bed, leaving them with relatives while you pop out, handing them to people as they come to your house, allowing others to say hello when out and about, joining a gym and using the creche from a young age.
"All of this will mean baby is comfortable with others and know they are safe in other people’s hands," Hannah adds.
Avoid "saving” your baby
The parenting guru warns your baby will never get used to going to someone new if every time they do and cry, and you rush back in to comfort and save them.
"Start with small steps," she urges. "For example, leave the room to go to the toilet or pass them to a relative while you make a cup of coffee.
"Ensure you choose people that are confident with babies - the last thing you want is a nervous relative that’s not used to babies tensing up and making baby even more frightened."
The more other people are involved in the care of your baby the less they will be anxious of being separated from you
Hannah Love
She goes on to explain as 95% of communication in toddlers is via body language, you want the person that’s holding them to be relaxed and confident - even if baby is crying.
"Keep practicing leaving them for short periods (up to 20 times a day) and they will get used to it," Hannah insists.
Be relaxed and avoid mimicking their fear
Hannah points out that when your baby is crying, they're looking to you to check that everything is ok.
"If each time they cry you rush, save them, bounce them vigorously and act as if they should be worried (saying things like 'I’m back, mummy here, I know I left, I’m sorry' in a fast and panicked voice), they'll think you are upset and frightened too," she says.
"This will make things much, much worse."
Hannah continues: "On the contrary if you're relaxed, get on with what you’re doing (and say things like ‘its ok, mummy is just making a coffee, I’ll be back in a moment'), and return confident, with your shoulders down and voice relaxed, your baby will pick up that mummy is fine."
Be aware of developmental leaps
The parenting guru says that developmental leaps will often mean an increase in separation anxiety and can lead to sleep regressions.
"Being aware that this is normal and will pass will make it easier for you to cope," she explains. "The more relaxed you can be the more relaxed your baby will be."
"Ensure you have the above in place and this will reduce the anxiety for both you and your baby."
Implement the 'CALM technique'
Finally, Hannah says you can apply her 'CALM technique' to all areas of parenting - including the prevention and resolution of separation anxiety. She explains:
Consistent: "Be consistent with the changes, practice leaving your baby each day, get others involved in helping your baby with sleeping and feeding and then your baby will adapt and get used to being away from you.
Achievable: Make changes achievable for your baby. If you know they are struggling then avoid leaving for long periods, take small steps of just leaving for a minute or two and then build that up.
Loving: As with any changes if they are implemented in a loving and supportive way your baby will take to them much more easily.
Ensure you're relaxed, show your baby love and support by showing how calm you are when leaving them, and coming back. Remember they are looking to you to show them its all ok.
Manageable: If you implement manageable steps you'll achieve your goal of your baby or toddler being confident and able to be left.
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Choose a time of the day that’s manageable for them - when they are in a good mood, avoid nap times or meal times initially.
Taking manageable steps for your baby will fill them with confidence and then you can build on that."