'I WAS JUST NOT COPING'
I’d sit in my daughter’s nursery and want to kill myself – I thought I’d ruined my life, says Kate Lawler
KATE LAWLER has recalled sitting in her daughter's nursery wanting to kill herself during the depths of her undiagnosed postnatal depression.
Despite doting on her daughter, the Virgin Radio DJ, who is 41, admitted to struggling with suicidal thoughts following her daughter Noa’s birth in February last year, and was shocked that she was on the brink of hurting her.
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Speaking during an interview for the March cover story of Fabulous magazine, she told how breaking point came following one incident when she was so desperate to stop her then-two-month-old baby crying, she came close to shaking her.
It was then that her partner of eight years, Martin “Boj” Bojtos, 38, insisted she needed professional help.
“I am grateful to Boj for being able to see the signs. I was just not coping," admitted Kate, who has recently released her debut book, Maybe Baby.
"When I had to put her down on the bed, Boj said: ‘I’ve never seen you that broken before. You were on the floor in the loft bedroom crying, saying: ‘I can’t do this any more.’
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I don’t really remember it. And that’s when he said: ‘We’re getting help, because you’re so stubborn and think: ‘I can do this,’ but you can’t do it on your own.’”
Kate went on to say that it’s essential new mothers have proper support.
You can’t really understand it, but there were many times when I sat in the nursery feeling so low that I wanted to kill myself
Kate Lawler
“In those moments with Noa where I’d been so desperate, so out of my mind, I can see why it’s so important that people have ways of asking for help,” she said.
“With depression, you think: ‘I don’t understand why I’m having these feelings when I have so much to be happy about.
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“I’ve got a roof over my head and I’ve got a family and a partner who loves me and I’ve got my dogs and a job, and I’ve got a baby who’s healthy.’
“You can’t really understand it, but there were many times when I sat in the nursery feeling so low that I wanted to kill myself.
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"I thought: ‘I don’t want to be here any more. I’ve ruined my life. I’ve ruined Boj’s life.’
And I had never had that before. I started Googling suicide rates in new mums and it’s terrifying.
“Then I was thinking: ‘For so long I resisted the idea of having a child because I knew I would feel like this.’
That was really hard to deal with, because I would feel resentment towards Boj. He is a saint for putting up with me, because I was so miserable."
I thought: ‘I don’t want to be here any more. I’ve ruined my life. I’ve ruined Boj’s life’
Kate Lawler
“I’m very lucky to have a partner who’s really in tune with how I’m feeling – he can tell. I can’t believe he’s still with me and still wants to marry me.”
Kate credits getting a night nanny three nights a week until she felt better, and seeing a therapist by herself as well as a couples’ therapist with Boj, for turning the situation around.
She also used CBD oil before switching to antidepressants and deciding to talk honestly about how she was feeling on Instagram.
“I think we’re seeing a shift towards women being more open and honest about their mental health postnatally," she explained. "It’s important to have these conversations."
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“I didn’t think it would ever happen to me. I want to normalise having postnatal depression or even just feeling low and like you’ve made a mistake or you regret having the baby, as it’s normal to feel like that.
"It’s really tough, parenting. I’ve never ever found it easy, even now that Noa has turned one.”
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