Five signs you’re dating a psychopath and how to leave them WITHOUT having your heart broken

EVER met someone who made you feel like the most special person in the world?

Full of admiration and affection, they tell you: “You’re exactly what I’ve been looking for. You’re my happily ever after.”

A couple of weeks into the relationship, you feel lucky. Finally, it is your turn. You know your life will never be the same — and you could not be more right. 

Because you have just fallen for a psychopath.

Yes, this cool, charismatic person who canoodled with you on cloud nine is a psychopath. No doubt when you hear that word you will think of evil-eyed serial killers lurking in the low light or suave businessmen with shady alter-egos.

But the truth is far more alarming — and I learnt this the hard way. Psychopaths are hidden in plain sight. In fact, an estimated one in 100 of us is a psychopath.

Psychopaths are more charming and more alluring than the average person.

They are master manipulators with one sole aim — to destroy your life. To begin with, they learn everything they need to win you over.

If you need to be built up over your looks, they can do that. If you lack confidence in your career, they’ll help. Whatever you need, they can become — because they are the world’s best actors.

This is called love bombing. Love bombing could also show itself as bombarding you with endless gifts and expensive weekends or flattering you off your feet. But the facade falls fast.

‘Is it all in my head?’

They will stop inviting you out, make cutting remarks and call you paranoid. You wonder, “Is it all in my head?”, convinced you are slowly losing your mind. Enter, gaslighting — a tactic designed to make you feel unsure of your own perception.

The psychopath makes up memories and scrambles your reality. Gradually, your world gets smaller. They tell you your friends are useless, your family are no better. They even claim your pet looks at them funny.

Desperate to appease them, you then start isolating yourself from everyone’s lives. Everyone, that is, except them. Now it’s you and the psycho — population, two. Does this tale sound uncomfortably familiar? It did to me.

I spent nearly a decade bouncing from one controlling relationship to another.

By the time I hit rock bottom I was soulless, and very nearly lifeless. But the cycle with all those psychopaths was the same. There were three phases: Distinguish, Devalue, Discard.

In my anecdotes, I use phrases such as “Swept away” and, “A whirlwind”. This is exactly how a psychopath wants you to feel. This is the Distinguish phase. Without you knowing it, you have been sized up as perfect prey. This doesn’t mean you are vulnerable. Often, it’s quite the opposite.

You may have traits the psychopath wants. Perhaps you are enigmatic, compassionate, kind — all of which they want to learn to mimic so they can toy with more people’s lives. When they love bomb and boost your self-esteem early on, you will never have felt better. Progressively, they will get bored.

You will tiptoe around their moods

Next they can gaslight and “neg” you, which is when they make crushing criticism masked as compliments. Examples might be, “You’re so much prettier without make-up”, or, “It’s great you’ve been offered a promotion, but you’d think they’d give it to someone with brains.”

Your self-esteem will start eroding. You’ll get used to that feeling of tiptoeing around their moods.

This is the Devalue phase. It could be weeks, months, years or decades into the relationship. But by that point, it will not matter.

And then comes the Discard phase. When I tumbled out of my last relationship with a psychopath, I decided enough was enough.

The only way I was going to break the cycle was, firstly, by being alone, and, secondly, by educating myself on what had happened.

The key is before we even start dating, our self-esteem needs to be sky high.

This is why I take offence at the phrase, “My other half”. It suggests you weren’t whole to begin with. Understanding what you want in a partner is vital, too. I have what is called a Potential Partner Checklist (PPC).

Instead of going for your usual type and focusing too much on how they look, or what they do, think about traits such as empathy, kindness and stability. When you go on a date, flip the question, “How do I feel about them?”, to, “How do they make me feel about myself?”

Get real with your gut. You do not need to look after, fix or heal them — that’s not your job. If you have a tendency, as I did, to assign yourself the lead role of “fixer”, then address this. It could be rooted in co-dependency, which, though not permanent, needs your attention if you really want to break the cycle.

Another indicator of co-dependency can be found if you ask yourself why you want to get in to, or stay in, a relationship. If the answer is anything like, “I hate being alone”, or, “I’m good at making other people happy”, then I suggest a therapist will assist you.

The only way I was going to break the cycle was, firstly, by being alone, and, secondly, by educating myself on what had happened.

The happy ending to all of this is not that there is a perfect partner waiting in the wings, ready to protect, love and cherish you. Though that may come later. The happily ever after is finding peace with yourself. The happily ever after is being happy alone.

You want to get to the stage where you can sit with any loneliness, speak to yourself with compassion and utilise therapy to work out patterns, while ridding that nasty toxic shame you have that this happened at all.

You are worth love that is easy, healthy and genuine. And until that comes, you had better find it within yourself before you start looking to the sidelines. Seriously, stay off the dating apps.