I’m a child behavioural expert – how to stop your kids rowing at Christmas
CHRISTMAS is usually full of joy and it's a chance for precious family time - but many parents can also be left feeling frazzled when the kids begin to squabble.
While we love spending time together, arguments and fallings out are inevitable - but it's how we deal with it that matters.
counsellor & psychotherapist Yasmin Shaheen-Zaffar says: “Firstly, it's unrealistic to think we can stop kids rowing completely.
“Rowing in moderation can be healthy. In fact, having healthy disagreements is all part of child development.
"The problem is when it's excessive or gets out of control - during the festive season there are so many factors at play which could lead to things getting out of hand.
“It can feel a bit like the anticipated excitement we have of a Christmas pudding being set alight, only for the flames to get out of control and that excitement and joy turn into chaos and mayhem within minutes, or even seconds.
"The good news is that there are many things parents and caregivers can do to help reduce or keep kids fighting."
Here, Yasmin - who is also the founder of Let's Stop Shouting Awareness Day -reveals her top tips to getting through the arguments this festive season...
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How to avoid festive fighting
It’s important to remember, especially over the festive period, routine often gets chucked out of the window - and that can be problematic in itself.
Yasmin says: "For many children, routine is essential for them to feel safe and know what their boundaries are.
"Too many late nights, irregular mealtimes and being in each others company 24/7 is bound to test relationships.
"For a harmonious festive season with kids, my top tip is to ensure the basics are covered so you are minimising risk of fighting.
"Recognise when your kids are at their most unhelpful - perhaps when they are they tired, hungry, dehydrated, overwhelmed by family or given too much sugar?
"Then plan how you can minimise the potential causes of fighting."
Keep calm and carry on
It’s all well and good us telling our kids to stop arguing and shouting - but we also need to remember to lead by example.
Yasmin says: "The reality is kids learn from watching how the adults act when they are angry, disagree or offended.
"So if you do have a short fuse when your buttons get pressed, you can bet your kids are going to replicate that behaviour.
"Staying calm under pressure and showing self-control sets a positive example which your kids will eventually follow.
"Getting angry or shouting at your kids because they are upset, fighting or playing up is a sure way to escalate the situation.
"Have regular check-ins with yourself to acknowledge how you are feeling and if you need to step away for a minute or two, do that.
"It many be time to dig out that 'stay calm' mug stuffed in the back of your cupboard!"
Shake it out
If tensions are bubbling over, stick on their favourite tunes and turn up the music to have a 'disco shakeout' as this is a good way to release that negative energy in a positive manner.
Yasmin says: "Give everyone some space to let them them dance their annoyance, anger and frustration out.
"Whether it means sticking on Florence and the Machine, Santa Shark or something a bit more heavy - shaking out pent up, unhelpful feelings can be helpful to reset everyone's emotions.
"You will also be teaching your kids a valuable lesson for the future.
"You’ll be teaching them to accept and acknowledge their feelings - it’s normal to feel anger, jealousy, insecurity or sad at times - but what you do with these feelings is what counts."
Get out the Santa hats and Rudolph noses
It's also helpful for adults to explore different emotions with their children, before they escalate.
Yasmin explains: "You could use this opportunity to have a Christmas pre-planning family check-in.
"This doesn’t have to be a boring or stuffy meeting sat making rules.
"You can wear your Santa hats or get dressed up or paint on some Rudolf noses.
"You could discuss with them how the festive season is fun but also can feel stressful and explore as a family what steps can we take to make it more fun.
"How are we going to deal with arguments? Even a rowing action plan could be created.
"By doing this you are also normalising a whole range of emotions and the fact they aren’t “bad”.
"If family check-ins aren’t your thing then talking about this whilst doing an activity like a walk or baking can be a good way to open up the conversation."
Be savvy
Both positive reinforcement and praise are magical super powers parents can use to help build positive child behaviours.
Yasmin says: "Let’s face it, being criticised constantly is surely going to bring anyone down.
"Parents need to be savvy in picking their battles - sometimes its more helpful to ignore the fighting and then focus attention on when they have done something helpful or kind or positive.
"Reward them if it seems appropriate.
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"If you can be consistent in your approach, kids quickly get the message that kind and helpful behaviour will get them more attention than negative behaviour."
It's also important to remember that children biting, hitting & screaming isn’t always a bad sign - and here's how you can handle that behaviour when it happens.
