Can you spot the new mum & dad tribes you’ll meet at the school gates post-Covid?
THEY are finally back at the school gates after months of tantrums, meltdowns and struggles over homework – and that’s just the parents.
Pupils are returning to class this week, the first time many of them have set foot in school since March 20.
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But it’s not just the post-lockdown school run that is different, with staggered starts and one-way routes. Parents have changed too.
We look at the tribes you will meet at the gates . . .
COTTON-WOOL PARENTS
PARANOID about coronavirus, they have spent lockdown firmly behind closed doors.
They still refuse to meet friends, have shunned Chancellor Rishi Sunak’s half-price restaurant meals and have enough PPE to stock a small hospital.
They arrive in their masks and disposable gloves, liberally coating their precious offspring in hand sanitiser and jumping anxiously any time someone nearby coughs.
They considered home-schooling permanently and have juggled their working hours so they no longer have to risk sending their child on disease-riddled public transport or a school bus.
Don’t expect your youngster to be invited for a playdate anytime soon.
HOMESCHOOL SWATS
HERE they come, with their bulging lever-arch files, filled with worksheets, posters and photos of everything their little darling has achieved during lockdown.
They glide in on the first day, immaculately dressed, holding aloft a detailed 3D replica of the school, carved out of Amazon Prime boxes because their young prodigy “missed the place so much”.
Did they mention that their perfect poppet has been learning Italian in their spare time and has already read all seven Harry Potter books, even though they are only six?
Of course they did.
ISOLATING ABSENTEES
THESE are the ones who are missing from the socially-distanced queue on the first day back, yet their Instagram feed is filled with pictures of the children larking about on golden sands while bikini-clad mum sips an Aperol Spritz.
They couldn’t possibly forego their foreign holiday this year so got caught out by a last-minute change to the quarantine rules.
When they eventually turn up at the gates, they will be sporting golden tans and apologetic looks.
SIX-PACK SHOW-OFFS
YOU have never seen them in exercise gear before yet here they are, in a fluorescent running vest and indecently tight leggings.
No other parent quite knows how they found the time amid juggling a job and home-schooling, but somehow they have dared to use lockdown to slim down or bulk up. And they look sickeningly gorgeous.
How dare they do something so productive while the rest of us have been on our knees? See also: Parents who have learned a language, written a novel, perfected their golf swing or started a new business.
SCHOOL-RUN RUNDOWNS
LOCKDOWN has not been kind to this parent and that’s clear from those bags under their eyes and their unkempt hair, despite salons reopening a few weeks ago.
Pre-Covid they might have been slightly shambolic, the sort of parent who messages the class WhatsApp group at 7pm to ask what homework they need to hand in the next day.
Or they might have been a high-flier who always appeared so together.
Now they are exhausted by the constant noise and squabbles and the begging and bribery involved in home-schooling while all the time trying to keep a career on track.
Wine o’clock has been getting earlier every night.
SELF-ISOLATING SOURPUSSES
SPENDING 24/7 with their other half at home has driven them crazy and now they can’t wait for those few minutes of alone time every day when they drop off the kids.
They have clashed over the chores, how much childcare each has done and whose job is more important.
They are pushing for their other half to return to their job as soon as possible. When not at the school gates, they can likely be spotted hunched over their laptop at a local cafe, enjoying every last drop of their caramel macchiato in peace.
SCHOOL-GATE CRASHERS
FIRST in line well before the bell rings, they count down the minutes until they can dispatch their offspring.
With a lightning kiss on the top of their heads, they practically throw their sons and daughters into the classroom before turning and pegging it across the playground.
They can’t wait for someone else to tackle “fronted adverbials” with their key stage two child or go through the tedious phonics sounds with their youngest.
Good luck to them, they think, as they skip merrily back to their silent home.
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COVID COMPLAINERS
NEVER the sunniest of people, this sour-faced lot have been mulling over their grievances about coronavirus restrictions for months – and now they’re about to blow.
The one-way system is “pointless”, the staggered starts “annoying” and they refuse to adhere to social distancing at the gate. They don’t see why their kid has to miss out on music lessons and school trips, and they’ll be writing a sharply worded letter to the head about the lack of wrap-around care which has severely impacted their time on the golf course.
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