Avoid quarantine quarrels with your moody teenager by using these simple tips

TEENAGERS can be tricky and testing at the best times.

Parents have to put up with grunts for conversation and an always seemingly empty fridge.

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But being on lockdown with kids has made parenting even tougher.

Victims’ Commissioner Dame Vera Baird has even warned of frustrated teenagers physically attacking their parents.

So how can you best motivate, keep the peace and bond with yours during this tricky time?

New book, What’s My Teenager Thinking? looks at 100 common flashpoints with adolescents and uses psychological research to give parents the tools and the best ways to respond.

Here, author Tanith Carey takes some extracts from her book that will help your quarantine quarrels.

1. Your teen says she’ll meet pals

IN the past, it’s likely your teen has done a lot of things she shouldn’t have, but hasn’t told you because it’s easier to lie. Now we’re meant to be at home, it’s easier for you to spot rule-breaking.

While deep down she doesn’t want to defy you, the pull of meeting mates, fear of missing out and the normal process of teens wanting to separate from their parents, means she’ll use bravado to pretend she doesn’t care what you think.

Your teen may also seem not to care about the lockdown. This is because all adolescents create a “personal fable” which tells them they are special, and immune from threats which endanger others.

Rather than say she’s irresponsible or selfish, first tell your teen you understand the need to see friends. Then ask why self-isolation is so important and look at the science together.

When she realises it’s also to protect people she loves, she’s more likely to make a different decision. Talk about how lockdown won’t last for ever. Try enlisting some help from others too.

Studies show that teens are more likely to take advice on risky behaviour from a peer such as an older sibling or cousin.

2. She won’t stop gaming for meals

WHILE gaming looks antisocial to you, your teen believes it’s a proper hobby that he plays with friends. Plus it feels more important than ever now they can’t see their mates in person.

Video games also give a sense of belonging and win social status when she does well. Instead of yelling, agree that she can finish at the end of the game. Recognise that it’s hard to move on instantly after being so absorbed and she may need a few minutes to transition from the online to the real world.

At a time when you are not rowing about it, have a chat and ask if she and her mates have ever noticed signs that they are overdoing the gaming, such as struggling to stop or putting off important things such as showering or getting on with doing their school work.

As it’s more than likely she does, agree then to team up to set daily limits, such as no video games until schoolwork is done, or after dinner.

Rather than just being against video games, suggest other activities you can do together so she enjoys spending time with you, as well as with mates online.

3. Upset at weight gain from snacking

Because your teen hasn’t been able to exercise as much at home and has been snacking more, she’s in tears because she can’t fit into her jeans.

Your teen says: “I’ve gained weight.”

You might think: “If I say the wrong thing, she might develop an eating disorder.”

Though it’s going to be very hard not to comment, either to reassure your teen or agree she does need to be more active, hold your tongue and let her process her feelings.

Summarise her worries back to her so she knows you have listened, without giving a judgment.

Then look at ways to support her within the whole family so she doesn’t feel singled out. So many of us have turned to snacking during lockdown.

Talk about how diets don’t work, but ongoing lifestyle tweaks will be good for the health and wellbeing of all you.

Get the whole family involved in regular group exercise, like a run or an online fitness class.

Help your teen be more mindful, too, by asking her to help you make healthy meals from scratch. You are her biggest role model so set a good example by not snacking when you’re bored or distracted.

4. Locked down in bedroom after row

After a row you follow your teen into their room, but she tells you: “Get out!” You might think: “She lives in MY home. How dare she speak to me like that?”

During lockdown, your teen will feel frustrated that adults have control over their lives. In her mind, her room is a private space where she’s in charge and can take time out.

If you’ve had a bust-up, her brain will also be in a state of fight-or-flight. So let her cool down and do as she asks, without shouting back.

Once you’re both calm, let her know you are ready to repair the rift by sending her a conciliatory text, inviting her to do something together, like taking a walk.

Research shows parents and teens who try to work out their differences, even if they clash a lot, have stronger long-term relationships.

But don’t brand her “difficult” or leave her to her own devices.

At times like this, it’s essential she’s not spending hours alone on her phone, as she needs grown-ups to help her process some of the worrying headlines she’ll also see.

5. In the middle of squabbling siblings

ALWAYS having to be the referee in sibling rows between your teens is tiresome at the best of times and you probably think: “This constant bickering is torture”.

Now teens are cooped up together 24/7, they’re more likely to take out their frustrations on the easiest targets – each other.

Accept rows are a natural part of family life and aren’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s how young people develop skills such as compromise.

Intervene only if there is violence, cruel name-calling or one sibling isn’t able to give as good as she gets, because then it starts to become bullying.

Rather than tell teens to ignore each other, suggest other ways they could vent their frustrations.

If your kids are still rowing constantly, call a family meeting where everyone can voice their feelings.

Listen and ask for their ideas and solutions. Take the opportunity to make basic ground rules that each child has their own space, where they are entitled to privacy, and that they respect and don’t touch each other’s possessions.

6. On the phone not doing schoolwork

YOUR teen says: “I AM doing my school work!” You might think: “I’ve no idea what work she’s been set. She’s missed out on so much since the school closed, she needs to catch up.”

Teens are still developing the higher-level skills of self-discipline in the prefrontal cortex of their brains. So when a school task is daunting, often the hardest part for teens is getting started.

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They may put it off by looking at their phones, which they find more immediately gratifying. To help, tell them you understand doing so much school work at home can be a struggle, so they know you can also see it from their point of view.

To help get them started, suggest your teen tries just five minutes on the task they’ve been set, then takes a break if they want. The chances are she’ll keep going. At a neutral time, help your teen recognise how distracting phones can be.

Even if set to silent, research shows that the distraction of even having them in the room dramatically cuts problem-solving skills. Suggest that if she wants to get more done, she leaves it outside and checks it between work breaks, as she would at school. And ask her to think about how good grades will give her more choice to do what she wants to do with her life.

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