Our hour-by-hour guide to surviving Valentine’s Day as a singleton
SO you’re single on Valentine’s Day. Huge congratulations – you’ve swerved the manipulation and disappointment most couples will endure today. There is, of course, nothing wrong with celebrating love — we all need more of it.
But V-Day makes single women feel like garbage. Suddenly it becomes a day to take stock, to note absence, to doubt ourselves. But you’ll feel much better if you realise most of those icky feelings are just a bad hangover from your school days. Back then, Valentine’s Day was a popularity contest where girls competed to get the most cards.
Those anonymous tokens with a wonky question mark were a badge of honour — and you’d feel worthless if you got none. But the great thing is, you’re a grown-up now.
You know you don’t need all that shopped-for guff or a partner right this minute, just to prove you are loveable. Luckily, we are starting to wise up.
A recent UK study showed that one in four single women under 30 will celebrate Valentine’s Day by buying themselves a present. How refreshing.
Whether you’re happily single or feeling like a lonely shell of everything you hoped you’d be at this age, fret not — today can be a win.
Here, I offer you an hour-by-hour guide to styling out Valentine’s like a (very single) boss.
7am
Wakey-wakey, it’s February 14! Yep, today marks the end of February 13 while also signposting that February 15 is just around the corner.
Why not celebrate this no-big-deal chunk of hours and minutes with an orgasm?
Enjoy a little “me time” to your heart’s content then lie there replete for a moment.
Self-help gurus reckon we’d all be happier if we start the day grateful.
Aren’t you grateful this much pleasure is at your fingertips? Isn’t it a glorious time to be ALIVE?
Now get up, get showered and embrace the day.
9AM
Upon arrival at work, your female colleagues will ask what you have planned for Valentine’s night.
They simply can’t help themselves.
Quite rightly, you smile and tell them you are either seeing your gal pals or toasting the end of a long week with wine and a box-set binge.
Under no circumstances apologise or make excuses for any of the above.
Romance can wait for a night — as can singles’ events, dating apps or stalking your ex on Facebook.
Today, above all days, take a break from being so damn thirsty.
11am
That smile falters for a second when Janine in accounts gets a look-at-me bouquet delivered to her desk.
Ouch! – that burning in your chest is real and it’s only natural to lean in and really feel it for a second.
Once that’s out the way, be utterly thrilled for her.
Your turn to be on the receiving end of all that bottom-warming attention will come.
Until it does, take your cue from the men in your office — they have mentioned Valentine’s Day a sum total of zero times today and clearly give a similar number of f***s about its existence.
1PM
It’s time to buy yourself a sex present.
Be that one woman in four who treats herself today.
First, invest in a gorgeous set of non-slutty underwear in a colour — black is basic and white is so meh.
Once you’ve got the undies sorted, it’s time to browse sex toys.
These will teach you more about what you like in bed — and boost your sex life to boot. Enjoy!
3PM
Keyed up by all that sexpenditure, you will be tempted to trawl online for a last-minute date for tonight.
You must resist this urge.
First dates are nerve-racking enough without adding the V-Day pressure for this one to be your soulmate (because it would make the best story at your wedding).
You’ll aim for breezy but settle nearer desperate, and nobody wants that power dynamic from the outset.
Plus, even if you do bag a date, you’ll be elbow-to-elbow with a million other people hoping to cash in their Groupon voucher for real love on the day it expires. Gross.
You’re playing the long game, remember?
5PM
Stopping at the shops to get food, you face your biggest trigger yet: The Valentine’s meal deal.
A slap in your already disgruntled face, the supermarket meal deal practically gives away steak and bubbles — but only to co-habiting smugtards.
You’ll be tempted to screech “F*** IT ALL TO HELL” before kicking the display in and exiting stage left. Instead, bag that deal and work your way through the lot.
Take note, supermarkets: Single people want bargains too.
One steak, a side of chips, a whole bottle of wine and a cheese plate for a tenner will do nicely.
8PM
Welcome to the danger zone. If you’re out with mates, just keep talking and living your best life. At home on your tod? Uh-oh.
“Just for a laugh” you’ll initiate a soul-choking swipe session where every message begins feebly “Hey, Happy Valentine’s”.
At worst, you’ll use this time to dissect every romantic decision you’ve ever made.
Remind yourself that love is round the corner — you can go on as many dates as you like this weekend — and distract yourself until then.
While your romantic meal deal is cooking, have a bath and pick something to watch.
Do NOT go for a romcom. Instead, pick a comedy series you know will make you howl.
10PM
You’ve sunk more of that meal-deal wine than you meant to and are suddenly tempted to text an ex. But, like, just out of curiosity, just to say hi.
For the love of God, bind your hands with parcel tape and flee from the room, leaving your phone on the Naughty Step.
Trust that small voice in your gut that tells you this would be a disaster of epic proportions and not even a funny anecdote in the pub.
Watch one more episode of whatever floats your boat then head bedwards.
MOST READ IN FABULOUS
11PM
You nailed it! You got through this crimson-tinged, cretinous pageant they call Valentine’s without blubbing or killing anyone.
And what’s the best way to celebrate? Ladies, I leave that to your imagination.
Lights out and sweet dreams for another year.
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