We watched porn at primary school, spent our teens in BDSM clubs & love being spat at… how our sex lives differ from mum
EVERYONE remembers hiding their eyes as an awkward sex scene came on the TV while they were watching with their parents.
Anything other than a quick fumble under the sheets or missionary position was deemed pretty risque - but things are changing.
A report has found increasing numbers of young people view more extreme sex acts the norm - largely as a result of social media.
An investigation by the newspaper found hashtags like choking kink, daddy and strangulation were prevalent on sites including Pinterest, Instagram and Tumblr.
The tags and affiliated content can be accessed by anyone on the sites, meaning kids as young as young as 13 - the age you must be for an account - can see.
Here Rebecca Manning-Reid and Stina Sanders share their views on how different generations view sex - and how access to hardcore activities has become much easier...
'People are seeking out extreme sex - but not asking for permission'
Rebecca Manning-Reid, 29, is an author, from North London
Every generation thinks that they’ve invented sex - probably because the idea of your parents doing it is so uncomfortable.
My generation of current 20-somethings may not have invented sex, but we’re certainly doing it very differently from those who came before.
I first saw porn before I left primary school, huddled around a friend’s computer in the early 2000s.
It was grainy and on a dial-up computer, but still porn.
A few years later, by the time I hit my teens, I’d seen pretty much every sex act a person could do on increasingly faster and higher quality computers.
In the common room of my all girls’ school we often watched porn, not so much for arousal but out of curiosity.
Even so, it still had a massive effect on how we started to develop our sexual identities.
Thanks to all the porn we had seen, my friends and I started waxing pretty much as soon as we had anything to wax.
I was in my 20s before I ever knew what it was like to have actual pubic hair.
This was born entirely out of the expectations set out by porn, and in turn by the teenage boys who watched it.
Similarly, the way that we started having sex was unique to our generation.
Older friends tell me of their stumbling, innocent sexual exploration, working out what they were supposed to do from magazines and playground gossip.
When my friends and I started giving oral sex we weren’t just comparing ourselves to what we’d read about in a stolen copy of Cosmo.
We were emulating professional adult performers from the clips we’d watched, and searching out specific guidance on adult websites.
I’ve passed more nights in fetish clubs than I can count and I’ve still got a draw of corsets and rubber knickers somewhere in my flat.
Rebecca Reid
No tentative exploration here, instead direct and focused attempts at getting it right.
I remember wondering why the boys I was giving oral sex to were holding back my hair to one side.
Eventually I realised it was something they had subconsciously picked up from porn films, a trick used to make sure that the camera can see the giver’s face.
When I first heard that millennials are having less sex than any previous generation, I was surprised.
Everyone I knew was at it all the time.
But I realised that our waning interest in doing the dirty is probably because of, rather than in spite of, how much access we all have to sex.
As we all know, easy exposure to something always makes it less appealing.
As sex has gradually been destigmatised and made easier to find (which is of course a good thing) the downside has been that young people seem to find themselves searching out more and more extreme acts out of a desire to make sex shocking and thrilling again.
I spent half a decade on the London BDSM scene, starting when I was 18.
I’ve passed more nights in fetish clubs than I can count and I’ve still got a draw of corsets and rubber knickers somewhere in my flat.
I’m no prude. But the people who are seeking out extreme sexual experiences are often not doing so with the requisite research, practice or respect for consent.
I have lost count of the number of women I know who have gone home on a one night stand and got down to business only to have their date attempt to spank, spit, slap or even choke them.
These are seemingly sweet men who would never hurt a woman in everyday life, but who seem to think those rules disappear once sex is involved.
Activities which were once the preserve of the BDSM community - highly regulated and steeped in education and consent - are now seemingly commonplace among people in their 20s.
Sexual violence and social media
38% of women under the age of 40 have experienced unwanted slapping, choking, gagging or spitting during consensual sex, according to a survey by Savanta ComRes last year.
A found sites like Tumblr, Pinterest and Instagram are exposing kids to graphic images of strangulation and other violent acts during sex - prompting fears they're being "normalised" to teens.
Sahana Venugopal, 23, a journalism student, said she stumbled upon explicit material on Tumblr from the age of 14.
“I’d inadvertently see a lot of pornographic material because accounts would use the hashtags of other popular TV shows or media to bring followers to their porn sites,” she said.
“After my experiences with Tumblr, I felt that choking was normalised as a sexual behaviour - it’s only recently that I see that being critiqued as something criminal.”
Instagram, Pinterest and Tumblr all insisted posts promoting violence are not allowed on their sites - and some of the images were removed after being flagged by the Sunday Times.
And if the person you’re sleeping with objects to your experimentation with kinky sex? Dating apps have made it infinitely easier to simply move on to someone else.
Or at least have an online session with a so called cam-girl who’ll put on a sex show for you to watch on your phone or laptop.
Of course a certain amount of attitudinal change is to be expected from one generation to the next.
Before porn there was the sexual revolution which came from the Pill, the legalisation of abortion and the Women’s Lib.
But the shocking thing about sex for the latter half of the millennial generation and the older Generation Zs, is that it hasn’t taken a whole generation, just a few years.
My husband, who is 10 years my senior, first saw porn in adulthood and had to share one battered lads’ mag between a whole group of friends, whereas I had hardcore porn at the touch of a button.
Thanks to all the porn we had seen, my friends and I started waxing pretty much as soon as we had anything to wax. I was in my 20s before I ever knew what it was like to have actual pubic hair
Rebecca
There are plenty of positives to the way that we’re having sex in 2020. Being gay or bi is increasingly less and less of a barrier to having great sex, thanks to work of Pride, and the existence of apps like Grindr.
People who have fetishes are increasingly less likely to feel like freaks or outcasts, and increasingly more likely to fulfil their fantasies.
It is less and less socially acceptable to shame women who want to have a large number of sexual partners.
So in some ways, to misquote Winston Churchill, "We’ve never had it better."
But given the increasing prevalence of so called "sex games gone wrong", the easily available nature of extreme porn and the fact that we now consider once niche and controversial acts to be a standard item on the sexual menu, it seems that my generation haven’t quite solved the problem of sex.
'I like a bit of S&M - as long as it's consensual'
Stina Sanders, 29, is a writer and PR, from London
Long gone are the days of the missionary position. Our generation are all about mixing it up.
Whether that's getting in the Anvil position, spitting on one another or strangulation - we are experimenting.
It's recently been suggested that social media could be to blame for encouraging young girls to take part in dangerous sex acts like choking, and perhaps there is some truth in that. With porn on tap and photo-sharing platforms displaying acts like choking and S&M, it wouldn't be surprising that young people are more aware and curious than ever.
OK, boomer, I get it. Our sense of adventure may seem a little too close to the bone (no pun intended) and our sexual promiscuity may be deemed "not normal."
But for me, having my neck gripped during sex is totally normal. In the moment, it can be a real turn on. If my partner consents to the act and it's done safely, then I see no harm.
From watching porn together, we soon learned what one another fantasised and liked. The idea of doing something new together became naughty and exciting
Stina Sanders
I'll admit, without watching porn, I don't think I would have explored certain fetishes like choking. I began watching porn when I was in my early twenties, as my boyfriend at the time loved watching it with me. From watching porn together, we soon learned what one another fantasised and liked. The idea of doing something new together became naughty and exciting.
By continually exploring, I soon learned what my sexual fetishes were. I loved anal, choking and spitting - but also soft and sensual sex.
I appreciate anal sex may not be everyone's cup of chai, but that's the beauty of fetishes, they're all different. A lot of my friends admit to being fans of strangling and having pain inflicted on them.
Whether that's slapping or having pins inserted into certain areas, everyone is branching out when it comes to satisfaction.
Spitting also seems to be a new phenomenon amongst my social circle. Although this may seem degrading, being spat on can be a real turn on if you're the submissive type.
I'm not sure how our generation became so kinky, but I do have a sneaky suspicion our parents were no different - they just were less open about it.
I'm pleased that we live in a society where people can openly admit they love BDSM and period sex. I think it's great that we have become more accepting of other people's fetishes
Stina
We can blame social media and porn for warping our view of sex but erotic practices have been around since the Stone Ages. There is a huge possibility that the internet has expanded our sexual boundaries and to be honest, I'm happy about that. We now have the opportunity to discover new things and learn what gets us off and what doesn't.
I'm pleased that we live in a society where people can openly admit they love BDSM and period sex. I think it's great that we have become more accepting of other people's fetishes.
What works for you may not work for me - and that's OK. We shouldn't stop people for being curious nor should we shame them for what they enjoy.
With over 70 per cent of us admitting to having a fetish, what's the big deal? As long as sex is consented, done safely and with a person that you trust - I say, keep it up (all night)!
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