Kate Ferdinand fought a 15-year battle with body dysmorphia and had panic attacks so bad her hair fell out

FROM the outside, Kate Ferdinand appears to have a charmed life. She’s young and fit with Jessica-Rabbit-esque curves, an enviable lifestyle and a new husband and family who adore her.

But the truth is that behind the glossy exterior, she’s been fighting a 15-year battle with body dysmorphia, anxiety and cripplingly low self-esteem, which she’s had therapy to overcome.

During her darkest days she’s suffered debilitating panic attacks and even hair loss.

It’s only in the last few years since meeting and falling in love with Rio Ferdinand and becoming stepmum to his three children that she’s managed to find some peace.

Taking on Lorenz, 13, Tate, 11, and eight-year-old Tia, following the death of their mum – Rio’s first wife Rebecca – to breast cancer in 2015 at the age of 34, has given Kate, 28, a renewed sense of perspective.

Although she admits that there will always be demons to wrestle with.

“Ever since I was a teenager I’ve been fighting this internal battle with body dysmorphia. I’ve always thought I looked bad and it’s only in the last two years I have been able to rethink what’s important and what isn’t.

"I’ve learned to accept myself, but it’s been a hell of a journey. And I’m still on it. I still have bad days, but I never thought I would get to this point. It is like stripping yourself back and finding out what makes you happy and what doesn’t.

“I feel like Rio and the kids were a massive part in all of this. I’m now a mum and after everything they’ve been through in their lives, me worrying about my cellulite really isn’t the top of the list any more.”

Kate’s journey to self-acceptance is documented in her new book Fitter Happier Healthier: The Ultimate Body Plan, alongside her favourite recipes and a four-week exercise regime.

She hopes her story will resonate and provide an inspiring message to anyone going through similar difficulties.
“I’m really proud of it. It’s a bit of a pinch-me moment having a book out. I wanted to share a little bit of my life, but the main focus of it is about fitness and being happy.

"I think it’s a nice balance of telling people a bit more about who I am as well as the exercise plan and the food too.”

Kate’s own issues began in her early teens when she started experiencing mood swings brought on by the Pill, which she was taking to help her acne.

'ANGRY & OUT OF CONTROL'

And as her body started to become more womanly, she developed deep-set insecurities and became desperately unhappy.

“I wasn’t a nice teenager,” she says. “I was angry and wild and out of control. I’d run away from home, get caught and have to come back.

“But when you’re caught up in body dysmorphia and you don’t like yourself, you can’t see a way out. I always felt I looked bigger or different from other girls. It has been a long process to get to the point I’m at now.”

It was around the age of 14 that Kate, convinced she was overweight, began exercising to the point of obsession and experimenting with fad diets.

While she never had an eating disorder, she became trapped in a vicious cycle of starting an extremely restrictive eating plan before giving up, bingeing on chocolate and ending up feeling even worse than when she started.

“I have an obsessive personality and it did become an obsession,” she says. “You name it, I tried it. I’d get my mum to buy all the stuff, but I’d never stick at it and I’d go on a binge instead.

“I thought going to the gym 24/7 would make me feel better, but it didn’t – it was making me feel worse because of the pressure I was putting on myself. And my weight just yo-yoed.”

When she looks back at photos of her teenage self now, she can’t believe she wasted so much energy worrying. “I looked great,” she says, shaking her head. “But I couldn’t see it.

Rios definitely helped me learn to love myself, when you have children you need to be a good role model

Kate Ferdinand

"My friends would tell me there was nothing wrong with me and I’d have rows with them thinking they couldn’t see what I could. When you’re a teenage girl you’re not really listening to anyone.”

What would she say to that teenage girl now? “Just enjoy your life. Stop beating yourself up. But I think low self-esteem is in my DNA and something I’ll always struggle with.

"It’s knowing how to manage it – which is what I’m working on.” She says Rio, 41, although supportive, can’t understand it when she picks fault with her body.

“Rio thinks I’m mad. Men do though, don’t they? He’s definitely helped me learn to love myself, though, and when you have children you need to be a good role model.

"Tia especially picks up on things – everything I do or say, she does too. So I have to be really careful.”

All of this has been wrapped up in Kate’s mental health issues and the bouts of anxiety she has had therapy for since her teens.

Her symptoms are often physiological as well as psychological and she has experienced hair loss during particularly stressful periods. She also suffers from irritable bowel syndrome, which causes her tummy to bloat.

“It’s so bad I look pregnant,” she says. “I get terrible headaches and melasma [skin pigmentation] on my forehead. When I first met Rio he didn’t get that stress could do that to your body.

'BUILD-UP OF THINGS'

“I’ve had panic attacks in the past. I know when the anxiety is coming because I get a feeling of being completely overwhelmed and not being able to cope and I feel it in my chest and in my stomach.

"It’s usually a build-up of things. I know I put myself under pressure to make sure everything is perfect for everyone else and then I forget about myself a little bit.

"It’s good that more people are talking about it though. Finding other people in similar situations means you don’t feel as isolated or alone.”

For Kate, exercise has helped and continues to assist keeping her anxiety at bay. She trains five times a week, but isn’t as obsessive about it as she was when she was younger.

“I recently had an injury so wasn’t able to train for four weeks and Rio was worried. I was worried as well because I use exercise to manage my anxiety and when I broke my arm last year and couldn’t train.

"I was not in a good way. But surprisingly this time I was fine. I’ve realised that by saying: ‘If I don’t train I get anxious,’ I’m actually putting more pressure on myself.”

Because it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy? “Yeah. Just the idea that if I don’t go to the gym I will have anxiety actually causes me stress. So that’s been a bit of a revelation to me.

“And therapy has taught me coping mechanisms – one of them is pressure points – if you tap them over and over it really helps.”

'ADDICTED TO READING COMMENTS'

She demonstrates a fingertip tapping technique, which is said to send a signal to the part of the brain that controls stress.

“Our kids do it as well. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a minute to do it, just tapping your pressure points and by the time you are done you are calmer.”

Kate’s anxiety hit its peak when she was on TOWIE between 2015 and 2017 and fell victim to internet trolling. It affected her so severely that producers had to step in.

“I was addicted to reading the comments,” she says. “There was actually an intervention and they [the producers] told me I had to stop because it was not healthy.

“I already had insecurities about my legs – I would always worry because they’re a bit chunky and short. And suddenly everyone was noticing what I didn’t like about myself.

"Like, I have a bit of cellulite, it’s not major, but it’s on the back of my legs and it’s hard to get rid of. But when pictures of me from the back came out, people were posting: ‘She didn’t tell us she had cellulite!’.

And I found myself reacting to that, going on a mad one, like a lunatic. “I don’t read the comments under online articles any more because they are poison.

"But I do read the ones under my photos and trolls don’t tend to bother me unless it is about my family. I still need to do some work on that one. The kids are a soft spot for me.”

TEMPTATION PROVES TOO GREAT

Kate says she has made a conscious effort not to engage with the trolls, but sometimes the temptation proves too great.

“There can be not very nice things written about my relationship with the children. Things like: ‘You don’t love those kids, you’re just after the money,’ and the children see that.

One of them [Lorenz, the eldest] is on Instagram and always wants to reply and I have to say: ‘No!’

“It’s something we’ve had to teach the children, that not everything they read is true. The older two definitely get it now but Tia is still so young.”

Both Kate and Rio are fiercely protective of the children and never post pictures that identify them. She knows, however, that this will become increasingly difficult as they get older.

“They’re safe at the moment because they’re not in the public eye. That’s something they’d like, but they don’t understand the effect it could have on them.

"So at the moment they live a normal life and can go to school and have friends who aren’t just friends for certain reasons.”

The last few years have seen Kate’s life change beyond recognition. She quit TOWIE in 2017 to move in with Rio and focus on building a family unit, which today seems unshakeable.

I am a better woman, wife and mum if I have had some time for myself

Kate Ferdinand

She doesn’t pretend it’s been easy – with three grieving children at the heart of everything, it was never going to be simple.

And losing Rio’s mum Janice to cancer in 2017 just two years after Rebecca’s death was devastating for a family already in pain.

But it’s clear from being in Kate’s company that she’s warm and wise, and with patience, kindness and love, she’s managed to create something special.

Rio proposed in front of the children in November last year and they married in September. Lorenz, Tate and Tia each gave an emotional speech at the wedding.

“I left TOWIE because I needed to focus on the children and being a mum and getting used to being in their lives,” says Kate. “Becoming a mum to three children who had lost their mum and their nan has been a challenge.

“But we’re happy. I have a family who love me and while I never envisioned it happening this way, I feel so blessed and grateful. I was an only child so I always felt very alone. Now I have this lovely family.”

With things more settled at home, it seemed like the right time for Kate to start thinking about going back to work. But her book feels like the start of a new beginning.

“I don’t just want to do the things I do for the sake of it, so I’ve had to work out what’s important to me. And that’s fitness, mental health and being a stepmum. “It’s good for the children to see us both going to work.

'I KNOW WHO I AM'

"I loved the period I stayed at home with the kids and I’m lucky I don’t have to work full-time, but I do need something for me. "I am a better woman, wife and mum if I have had some time for myself.”

She says she’s the happiest and most confident she’s ever been. She knows what’s important and no longer agonises over the judgement of others. “I always thought I wanted everyone to love me but I realise now that doesn’t matter.

"As long as I love myself and my nearest and dearest know who I am and love me then I shouldn’t be hanging on others to accept me. It is a work in progress and always will be, but I feel I know who I am. I’m getting there.”

• Credits: Hair: Sarrah Hamid Make-up: Mikey Phillips using Armani Beauty Styling: Ellis Ranson Kate