I had amazing sex with my local barmaid even though I’m in love with my girlfriend and risked our relationship
DEAR DEIDRE: I GOT off with the barmaid at our local last week. The sex was amazing, but I know I’m risking a great relationship.
I am 23, my girlfriend is 22, and we have been together for more than two years. But we both still live with our parents because we can’t afford not to. She is simply the nicest girl I have ever met. I do truly love her and enjoy being with her.
So why do I cheat on her? I make myself promises to stay faithful but last Friday was typical. I started flirting with the barmaid as soon as I got to the pub. I’d not seen her before. She’s 19 and very pretty.
She flirted back but I was still surprised she agreed to come to my place “for a coffee” when she finished work. We didn’t bother with the coffee, just went straight to my room and were tearing one another’s clothes off as soon as the door was closed. We had hot sex that night and again in the morning before I left for work.
It was only afterwards I asked myself why on earth did I do such a stupid thing? My girlfriend knows about most of the times I have cheated and she has forgiven me every time. But she must be running out of patience by now.
Even my mum is fed up with me bringing other girls home. I know I am scared of commitment, although my girlfriend isn’t planning to settle down for the time being anyway.
I worry I will no longer be able to have fun with friends when I have a wife and kids. I like joining in the banter about sexual conquests with my friends but they are mostly single and not seriously involved with anyone, so they don’t have so much to lose.
My girlfriend is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, so why do I risk everything with these other women?
topic4today
SEXUAL happiness increases the more sex you have, but only up to a point.
More than once a week doesn’t make you happier – but less than once a week tends to make a couple unhappier and can threaten their relationship.
If your sex life needs rescuing, my leaflet Saving Your Sex Life explains how.
For a copy, email me on problems@deardeidre.org or message me on Facebook.
DEIDRE SAYS: Look at why you are so scared of commitment when your girlfriend is not even making noises about settling down.
You mention your mum but not your dad. Is he around in your life? If not, maybe you have no model in your head of a man enjoying family life.
If the only grown men you see are the ones bragging down the pub, then you will come up with a big blank trying to see yourself committed to a loving partner.
Or maybe your dad is there but your parents’ marriage does not look like the sort of future anyone would wish on themselves.
If you can work out why you endlessly risk sabotaging this special relationship, then you can put strategies in place to change your behaviour. Widen your social life so it is not all about flirting and competing down the pub.
Be honest with your girlfriend that you are not ready to commit and just want to enjoy what you have now – but make now really enjoyable by finding interests and activities you can share.
My e-leaflet Find It Hard To Be Faithful? will help you think this through.
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