My house is so run down that I’m paying workmen in sex for odd jobs and renovations
DEAR DEIDRE: MY home was becoming so run down that I have started to use men to help with the upkeep.
None of them knows about each other and in the last couple of years
I’ve had several working on odd jobs, renovations and DIY projects.
I have had the roof repaired, a chimney repointed, new plumbing, a gas boiler fitted and numerous other small jobs, including assembling flat-pack furniture.
The men have had sex on tap and the occasional hot meal thrown in.
I’m a 42-year-old divorced woman and after my marriage broke down
I could only afford a small, run-down house. I didn’t have the money to spend on it.
Although the property is in a better state, I feel bad about what I’ve been doing. I’m certainly not proud of what I’ve done but what choice do I have?
I’m in a relationship of sorts with a couple of the men but my heart isn’t in it any more.
One is a lovely, kind widower who is in his 50s and who sorted out the dodgy electrics. He is a wonderful lover who spends time over sex and makes sure I am happy.
The other is a brickie in his 30s, who has just finished repointing a wall. He is in an abusive relationship but feels unable to leave his girlfriend because they have a little girl.
He says he couldn’t bear not to see her every day.
It’s really getting me down that I have resorted to giving them sexual favours in return for their work and then led two of them on, believing they are in a relationship with me.
I want to be loyal and trustworthy but how can I let them both go without them feeling used?
I didn’t set out to hurt anyone but I was desperately in need of help and support. I am struggling with how to stop this behaviour.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve been fortunate that none of these men appear to have worked out what has been going on.
You are not proud of what you’ve been doing but they need never know what your ulterior motive is.
Your conscience has kicked in so for peace of mind, and self-respect, it’s time to call time on these arrangements.
If you want to end these relationships then that is your right. Tell them as kindly as you can that it has been wonderful but it is over. My support pack Ending A Relationship explains more.
If you are struggling financially, contact turn2us.org.uk (0808 802 2000).
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to [email protected]
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Hook-ups are electric but that’s all he wants to do
DEAR DEIDRE: THE guy I’m seeing only ever wants to meet for sex, which we do in hotels.
When we’re together he makes me feel like the most special person in the world. It feels electric and the sex is amazing.
I’m a woman of 33 and he’s 26. We’ve been seeing one another for almost three months but I’ve known him for years.
If we bump into each other, he instantly messages me, wanting to see me but other than that he doesn’t message at all. I try not to message him as I don’t want to appear needy. I miss him, though, and think about him constantly.
I smile when I think about him but at the same time I’m very confused. People know about us. He has kissed me in front of people we both know. He won’t hesitate to show me affection in public so why is he so silent?
I think I’m falling for him. If I talk to him about it, I think he’ll run a mile. I don’t want to lose him but I can’t keep on like this. I need more.
DEIDRE SAYS: And you deserve more too. You’re giving this man everything he wants on a plate.
The longer you carry on letting him have sex with you, presumably when it suits him, the deeper the wound will be.
Tell him you’re looking for more than just sex. This isn’t about being needy, this is about finding a relationship that works for you.
If he says no, tell him it’s over and block him. My support pack Mend Your Broken Heart will help you move on.
PARENT FEAR AT IN-LAWS’ INCEST
DEAR DEIDRE: I WAS shaken to the core when my fiancee told me about the incestuous relationship between her sister and father.
I’m 31 and my fiancee is 28. We’ve been together for four years and we are expecting our first baby in the spring.
Many years ago my fiancee left Portugal – where her family still live – but she has never talked about her reasons for leaving.
But I’ve never met her immediate family, apart from a cousin who stayed with us at Christmas.
The reason for his visit was to try and help her build bridges with her sister and her father.
After my fiancee’s mother died, her sister and father entered into an incestuous relationship which, according to my fiancee, is legal as long as those involved are consenting adults.
My fiancee went to Portugal three weeks ago and since returning, she’s told me that she wants me to meet her father.
I don’t think I can.
She also wants her father to be a part of our baby’s life, which I’m really not sure about.
I know for certain that I don’t want my child growing up thinking that these kinds of incestuous relationships are normal.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is your right as a parent to determine who you want to have near your child.
You’ve started your own family now and it’s important you feel confident enough to bring up your child in ways that you see fit.
Tell your fiancee you need to have a serious conversation about your concerns.
While extended family members have a role to play in a child’s life, their safety and wellbeing is paramount.
Contact familylives.org.uk (0808 800 2222) for support.
ONCE AND I’M DONE… BUT IS SHE HAPPY?
DEAR DEIDRE: I CAN never go for a second round of sex with my partner. It just doesn’t happen and I don’t know why.
I am a 42-year-old man and my partner is 40. We have been together for eight months and have a great relationship.
I love her and want to please her sexually every time. Everything is fine the first time round and, even though I still feel turned on, my erection just doesn’t last.
I find it so embarrassing.
My partner has a high sex drive and I worry that she is becoming disappointed when I can’t perform again – even though she hasn’t said anything so far.
If I do manage to get erect I know she will want sex multiple times a night, but I can only go once.
Is something wrong with me? I worry she will lose interest in me if I can’t sort this out. Please help.
DEIDRE SAYS: Please don’t worry about only being able to have sex once.
After climax, every man will go through a recovery cycle. It is called the refractory period, which is when it is not possible to get another erection.
This time is different for everyone but it can take anything from minutes to days and varies from man to man. Generally though, the time between erections increases as you get older.
My support pack Solving Erection Problems will explain more.
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