I love my wife but I can’t stop cheating with multiple women – I’ve slept with woman on a train and a friend’s partner
DEAR DEIDRE: NO matter how many women I sleep with, it’s never enough. I always want more and more.
I’m pretty sure I’m a sex addict and if I don’t get help soon, I’ll be found out — and my marriage will be over.
I’m 51 and my wonderful wife is 50. We have two grown-up children and, on the surface, we have a great life. We are comfortably well off and live in a beautiful house.
My business success means we no longer need to work long hours and can go away on nice holidays.
We are also great friends — my wife is my soulmate.
But while I do love her, she has never satisfied me sexually.
She has a low libido, and it’s diminished even further over the past few years.
She genuinely thinks I’m happy having sex a couple of times a month.
But the truth is, it’s not nearly enough for me. That is why I have had multiple affairs and hook-ups with other women, from a girl I met on a train to a friend’s wife and even someone I worked with.
I love women’s bodies — I simply can’t get enough of them.
And given the opportunity, I will have sex any time, anywhere.
I’ve done it in cars, in alleyways round the back of pubs and in other people’s marital beds.
I normally have three or four women on the go and I make it very clear that I’m only interested in fun.
As soon as I get the sense they are looking for something more serious, I cut them loose.
If there isn’t a woman on the scene, I’ll pay for an escort.
But after sex, I always feel empty — dirty, disgusting and guilty. The only way to make myself feel better is to have sex again.
How can I break this vicious cycle? I don’t want my wife to divorce or despise me.
Nobody could hate me as much as I hate myself.
DEIDRE SAYS: Admitting you have a problem is a positive step.
Sex really can be addictive. But you’re not only risking your marriage, you’re also risking your health – and your wife’s.
Start by making it hard for yourself to sleep with other women, even if it means taking your wife on a holiday, or cutting up your credit cards and deleting apps.
Go to an STI clinic and get checked, and treated, if necessary.
You need to find out what’s at the root of this. Your compulsive behaviour suggests it’s more than just feeling sexually frustrated or liking women.
Contact (01926 339594), which offers sex addiction therapy and support for partners.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to [email protected]
You can also send a private message on the Facebook page.
THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME AFTER FIANCÉE STRAYED
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER my fiancée confessed to a one-night stand, I felt devastated and confused.
She said she wanted us to stay together and work on our relationship, but I wasn’t sure if she was using me for my money and the security of my flat.
We had been together for four years when she confessed to sleeping with an ex. I’m 28 and she’s 27.
I wrote asking what I should do. You advised me to talk to a counsellor to help clarify my thoughts and feelings.
You said that if I wanted to try to forgive her and continue our relationship, it might be helpful for us to have couples counselling, and you advised me to read your support packs called Counselling and How to Look After Your Relationship.
I was pleasantly surprised when you followed up to see how I was coping.
Sadly, I wasn’t able to make the relationship work – the trust had gone and I knew I couldn’t marry her – but your advice helped me so much at a time my head was a mess.
Thank you for being there.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sorry your relationship didn’t work out. I hope in the future you meet someone who is fully committed to you.
Panic attacks after work incident
DEAR DEIDRE: ANXIETY is taking over my life and I have to drink a bottle of wine a night just to get through the week.
Almost every day since an incident at work I have had panic attacks.
I now take medication but it isn’t working, and I can’t carry on like this.
I’m a 35-year-old man, and worked as a nurse, until a patient attacked me last year.
Physically, I wasn’t badly hurt, but it made me too anxious to do my job. After taking sick leave, I decided not to go back to work as it was too stressful.
Now I have a casual admin role instead.
But even that is proving too much. I just can’t cope unless I self-medicate with alcohol.
It’s having a terrible effect on my health and I’m not eating or sleeping properly.
I’ve lost weight and I look awful. That’s not helping my confidence.
Nobody else looks out for me as I live alone and am single. I don’t want to worry my elderly parents.
Please help me to get out of this rut.
DEIDRE SAYS: The traumatic work incident has caused your mental health to spiral down, and your physical health is also now suffering.
You need help. Please go back to your GP and say the medication isn’t working. There could be something better. Please also mention your drinking problem.
It might be that you need specialist counselling too. My support pack, Living With Anxiety, should help, as should Coping With Panic Attacks.
Both have useful information and links to organisations.
You can also get help from anxietyuk.org.uk (03444 775 774).
Teenage troubles
DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend dumped me a month ago. I’m heartbroken.
She was my first serious relationship and I love her so much. We’re both 17 and had been together for two years.
She has decided she’s too young to be tied down, and wants to focus on exams and getting into uni. But I know she was The One for me.
I can’t sleep, have stopped going out with mates and lie in bed crying over her photos.
How can I win her back?
DEIDRE SAYS: There’s nothing more painful than the end of your first serious relationship.
Unfortunately, you can’t make her change her mind.
But I promise things will get easier. It’s important to talk to someone about your feelings, or contact , who are there for people under 25.
My support pack, Mending A Broken Heart, can help.
Vile boy smokes, drinks and bunks off school
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM desperately worried about my step-grandson and the impact his delinquent behaviour is having on my son.
He’s 13 and smokes, drinks, bunks off school and stays out all night. Things have become so bad that social services are involved.
I’m 68 and my son is 40. Two years ago, he married his second wife, who is 38, and became stepdad to this boy.
He has always been a handful, but over the past year his behaviour has become impossible to deal with.
I hate to say it, but he’s a truly horrible child. He steals money, is rude, breaks things and doesn’t listen to anyone.
He started refusing to go to school, instead hanging around arcades. My son is very worried he’s going to get involved with dangerous drug gangs.
It’s clear he’s very angry, but he refuses to see a counsellor. My son and his wife are at a loss. The boy says: “You’re not my dad, you can’t tell me what to do.”
He has even threatened to report my son for being abusive if he punishes him.
It’s now affecting their marriage. Obviously, they can’t throw their son out. His own dad is off the scene and was useless even when he was around.
The social worker says nothing can be done until the boy gets into big trouble with the law or harms someone.
But by then it will be too late.
He won’t talk to me. I’m not his real grandma, as he keeps making clear.
DEIDRE SAYS: Watching your loved ones floundering is very painful, especially when you feel powerless to help.
When children behave so disruptively, it’s usually because they are troubled, angry and struggling.
Your step-grandson’s absent dad might well be a factor. He is also going through puberty, with all the hormonal changes this involves.
Try not to give up on him or write him off as a horrible boy. He needs help and if he thinks he’s unloved or unwanted, it’ll only make him worse.
My support pack, Troubled Teenagers, should help. And contact (0808 800 2222) where you can talk to someone about your concerns and receive parenting/grandparenting advice.
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