I’m plotting revenge over lover’s lies – he has been promising to leave his wife for a year

DEAR DEIDRE: My lover has been promising to leave his partner for a year, but I’m finally seeing through his web of lies.

I’ve had enough and want to tell her about our affair to get revenge. Is this a bad idea?

I’m 31, and my lover is 35. I think his wife is around the same age.

We met at work and I was instantly attracted to him. He told me he wasn’t married.

We started having sex after work at my flat. It was so passionate and exciting.

By the time he confessed to being in a relationship, I was hooked.

I believed him when he said I was the one he wanted — his soul mate — and that he had never cheated before.

I also believed his promises — that he would leave his partner as soon as he could.

One day, he came into work and told me they’d had a row and she had kicked him out.

He was about to go on a business trip, and said that when he came back he would be mine.

I was so excited and happy. I spent the week preparing my home for him.

But when he returned, he said he needed time on his own. It was a lie - in fact, he went straight back to his partner.

When I told him I was going to finish with him, he broke down and told me how much he loved me.

Stupidly, I fell back into his arms. Sex with him is like a drug.

Since then, he has continued to say he wants only me, but I no longer believe him.

I’m planning to walk away but I think his partner deserves to know the truth.

DEIDRE SAYS: You are hooked on the crumbs of attention your lover occasionally offers you.

You must stop chasing fleeting good feelings and see him for what he is – a total player.

As poor as his behaviour is, his partner doesn’t deserve to be targeted and it wouldn’t help you either.

It won’t make him leave her and it won’t make you feel better.

It will only hurt her, and the truth is she probably already suspects what he’s like.

You’re better off without this man. You can’t trust him and, apart from good sex, he brings nothing positive.

The best revenge you can take is to move on from him. My support packs, Your Lover Not Free, and Addictive Love, will be helpful.

I’M UNABLE TO PERFORM AFTER WIFE BETRAYED ME

DEAR DEIDRE: EVER since I discovered my wife had sent sexy texts to other men, I haven’t been able to perform in bed.

It’s now been two years since we were intimate. I simply can’t trust her any more.

I’m 42 and she’s 39. We’ve been married for 14 years.

Our sex life used to be great, but over the years it dwindled to nothing.

We didn’t talk about it – which was a mistake – but I could tell we were both unhappy. Then I found sexts on her phone.

She said she hadn’t met any of the men for sex, she just liked swapping messages because they made her feel wanted and attractive again.

I was gutted but said I’d forgive her, and agreed we should work on our marriage.

But I can’t stop thinking about the messages when we’re in bed, so I lose my erection. We still haven’t made love.

How can I learn to trust her again so we can get over this and be intimate?

DEIDRE SAYS: Erections are affected by stress and psychological issues, so if you can’t stop thinking about your wife’s betrayal, it’s no wonder you find it difficult to perform.

Having couples counselling would help you to communicate better, learn to trust her again, and hopefully get your sex life back on track.

Affordable couples therapy is available from Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org).

My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, should also help.

SO JEALOUS OF TEEN’S BABY JOY

DEAR DEIDRE: FINDING out that my boyfriend’s 17-year-old sister is pregnant has gutted me.

I’m desperate for a baby of my own, but my fella says he’s not ready. I know I shouldn’t feel so upset and jealous, but I can’t help it.

I’m 26, my boyfriend is 27 and we’ve been together for five years. His sister isn’t even in a proper relationship. Her pregnancy is an accident.

She’s decided she’s going to be a single mum and the family is rallying around, telling her she’s blooming and will be a great mother.

I think she’s way too young. I am trying to be happy for her, but I’m not – I just wish it was me.

I’ve always wanted a big family, and to start early. My boyfriend says he wants to wait a few years till we’re married, own a house and are better off.

I always thought we’d be the first in the family to make his mum and dad grandparents. Now, that has been taken away from me.

I’m dreading the birth because I know I’ll feel even more jealous and broody. I’m starting to go off sex because my boyfriend insists on using protection. I can’t see the point. How can I stop feeling like this?

DEIDRE SAYS: The urge to have a baby is biological and can feel overwhelming.

Once the shock of your boyfriend’s sister’s announcement has passed, focusing on the positives in your life will help you.

Remind yourself that you’re in a loving relationship with someone who wants to build a family with you – when the time is right. It won’t be easy for his sister.

As for your boyfriend’s parents, all grandchildren are special. I’m also sure you’ll be a wonderful auntie and your jealousy will ease.

Talking to a counsellor could help. See my support pack, How Counselling Works, for more information about this.