The man of my dreams is sexting with a male work pal – is he gay?
DEAR DEIDRE: THE man of my dreams wants to marry me.
I should be delighted . . . but I’m concerned he might secretly be gay.
He’s 45, I’m 40 and mum to a nine-year-old girl. I met him three years ago when I started working in a construction office.
Among the hyper-masculinity there, he was a breath of fresh air.
Other people teased him about being “camp” but I liked him immediately.
We started dating and have never had any problems in the bedroom.
Things have been going so well in fact that we’ve talked about getting married.
A few months ago, I noticed he was spending a lot of time with a younger man at work.
He claimed to be mentoring him, but I got suspicious when they went out until 2am one weekend. I demanded to see his phone.
He went pale and said no because I’d “get the wrong idea”.
I insisted, and he showed me a long stream of messages between him and this colleague.
When I read them, I felt sick. They were discussing different sex acts, and my partner had written, “It’s not gay if you keep your socks on.”
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
My partner had also complimented the man on his work and shared intimate photos of his tattoos.
The colleague had spoken about other men in a sexual manner and said he was willing to sleep his way to the top.
My partner replied, “I’ll keep that in mind.”
I was devastated. My partner insists all guys banter like that with their friends.
But I can’t shake the fear that if I ignore this, he will come out as gay years down the line and I’ll have wasted my life.
DEIDRE SAYS: Whether your partner is gay, straight or bisexual, he shouldn’t be exchanging flirty messages with anyone else while in an exclusive relationship with you.
Dismissing it as banter doesn’t wash. I doubt he would be OK with you exchanging texts about sex with a female colleague or staying out with them half the night.
You deserve a proper explanation. Until you’ve got one, put any marriage plans on hold. These messages have undermined your trust and shaken your confidence.
Sit your partner down one last time and ask to hear the full story – he owes you that.
If he’s still evasive, I would recommend you go to counselling – ideally together, or by yourself if he’s not keen.
Talking things through with a trained counsellor will help you decide your next steps.
Read my support pack, How Counselling Can Help, for more information.
Get in touch with the Dear Deidre team
Every problem gets a personal reply from one of our trained counsellors.
Fill out and submit our easy-to-use and and the Dear Deidre team will get back to you.
You can also send a private message on the Facebook page or email us at: