How can I repair my marriage when my wife wants to hook up with other men?

DEAR DEIDRE: HOW can I repair my marriage when my wife wants to hook up with other men?

All I want is to be intimate with her again, but she says she’d rather have sex with strangers. 

I’m 44 and she’s 42. We’ve been married for 15 years and have a teenage son, who has a learning disability. 

Life has been very stressful, because he needs so much extra attention.

It’s had a bad effect on our marriage. Our sex life has been the main casualty.

We haven’t been intimate in years. She’s lost interest in me and always says she’s not in the mood. 

Recently, she’s been more distant than usual, and going out a lot in the evenings with her ‘friends’, leaving me to care for our son.

A few weeks ago, I confronted her, saying we needed to talk about the future of our marriage. I wanted to try to sort things out.

Instead, she told me she’d signed up to a website for casual hook-ups and has met up with a few different men. 

I was blindsided. She claimed she needed an escape, and sex with random men made her feel attractive again.

When I asked if she wanted a divorce, she said no. What she wants is to carry on with our marriage as ‘normal’ for our son’s sake, but to start dating other men too.

In other words, she wants me to agree to an open relationship. 

For her it’s the best of both worlds - stability at home, and sexual thrills with strangers. 

For me, it’s a horrifying prospect. I said I couldn’t do it, and only wanted her.

She responded by accusing me of trying to control her. 

I feel humiliated, angry and bereft. What should I do?

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DEIDRE SAYS: Your wife is behaving selfishly.

You’ve made it clear you don’t want an open relationship, and her response is to gaslight you.

This is emotionally abusive. 

It is not good for your son either, who must sense the tension between you. 

My support pack, When Parents Fall Out, explains more about the impact of parental arguments on children.

Ask if she’ll consider couples counselling. Contact Tavistock Relationships ().

It would help you to talk to a counsellor alone too. See my Counselling support pack for more.

If she refuses to work on your marriage, I’m sorry, but you may need to consider whether it would be best for your family if you did break up.