I’m married but I’ve fallen in love with a trans woman

DEAR DEIDRE: ALTHOUGH I don’t want to break up my family, I’ve fallen in love with a trans woman.

We’ve been having an affair for six months. I know I need to make a decision about whether to leave my wife for her, but I keep changing my mind. 

I’m 45 and my wife is 43. We have two primary aged children.

My lover is 32. 

Over the past few years I’ve been very dissatisfied with my marriage. The spark has gone, especially in the bedroom.

Last year, I started going on dating sites, at first just to look. I didn’t intend to have an affair, let alone fall in love with anyone. 

But after a while I started messaging a couple of women. One of them looked like a model - out of my league - and I thought she’d never be interested in me.

But she made me feel ‘seen’ and understood, in a way my wife doesn’t.

After we’d talked for a few weeks, she admitted she was trans. She thought that would scare me off, but it didn’t. 

I told her I’m open-minded and didn’t care. We then agreed to meet.

The first time, we didn’t even have sex, we just talked for hours.

Since then, we’ve enjoyed a full sexual relationship, and I see her whenever I can. 

I hate sneaking around and lying to my wife. I know my kids will be devastated and won’t understand. 

But I love this woman.

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DEIDRE SAYS: You’re right: you need to make a decision either to end your affair, or leave your wife for her.

If you don’t, it’s only a matter of time before you get caught.

You’ve been with your wife for a long time, so it’s natural that your relationship with her isn’t as exciting or fulfilling as with your lover.

Rather than cheating, it would have been better to talk to her and work on your marriage.

Now you need to ask yourself if you really feel you have a future with your lover, and if she’s worth throwing away your marriage and kids for. 

Perhaps it’s a good idea to step back from the affair for a while, so you have some space to think.

Counselling could be helpful. 

Read my support pack, Torn between Two Women, for help making your decision.