My partner refuses to get a divorce from his ex-wife – it’s getting me down

DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner and I have been together for more than a decade, and yet he still refuses to get a divorce from his ex-wife. 

I can’t understand what’s holding him back. They’ve been separated since before we met, so his reluctance doesn’t make any sense.

I’m 55, he’s 57, and we first met twelve years ago at work. Our relationship has been amazing, and I wholeheartedly believe that he’s my soulmate. 

I have never doubted that he was over his ex, but it niggles me that he’s still married to his ex. 

Despite all of my hints, he hasn’t bothered to seek an official divorce, and I don’t know if he ever will. 

Every time I bring it up, he always insists that it doesn’t matter and it’s more hassle than it’s worth, but I can’t help but feel unsettled about it. 

I know it’s only on paper, but it’s really getting me down.

What should I do?

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DEIDRE SAYS: While getting a divorce clearly isn’t a big deal to your partner, it’s evident that it is for you.

You’ve asked him about the arrangement but you haven’t spelled out how you feel. He’s only going to be able to take your feelings into consideration if you communicate with him. 

And as he's still legally married to someone else, the reality is this makes it harder for you to make decisions or plan ahead for your future.

Unmarried couples do not have the same legal rights as married couples.

Once you lay out your feelings, you’ll be more likely to work any issues through.