My wife had an affair but is manipulating the situation to make it seem like it’s my fault

DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife had an affair and somehow it seems it is my fault. She’s a master at gaslighting and manipulation.

We’re both approaching 40 and have been married for ten years. We have a son aged eight.

At the start of our relationship, she was loving and generous, always writing me little love notes, buying me gifts and making me feel special.

But I think that was just an act to get me to fall in love with her.

Once we were married, it all stopped. Instead, she started making me feel like I wasn’t good enough.

She’d flirt with other men in front of me, put me down and compare me to her friends’ husbands, who earned more money in their jobs or were better looking.

The more she did it, the more it knocked my confidence, especially in the bedroom.

Over the last few years, I’ve felt so inadequate that I’ve stopped coming on to her.

When we do have sex — at her initiation — I sometimes can’t perform. Then she’ll make me feel like half a man.

Recently, I discovered she’s been sleeping with a guy who she works with.

I confronted her and, instead of being contrite, she at first denied it and then blamed me.

She said if I gave her the attention she needed, she wouldn’t have had to go elsewhere for sex.

I feel so jealous and unable to trust her. But if I try to talk to her about it, she just shuts me down.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave my son, but this marriage is destroying me.

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DEIDRE SAYS: This marriage is making you desperately unhappy and destroying your self-esteem.

She is being emotionally abusive and she sounds narcissistic. See my support pack, Abusive Partner, for more information on this.

I understand that you don’t want to leave because of your son, but from what you describe, he could have a more stable life if you went your separate ways.

Being around parents in such a dysfunctional relationship will inevitably have a detrimental impact on him.

You can still be a good dad, if apart.

Take some legal advice on ending your marriage. My support pack, Thinking Of Divorce?, has practical guidance.

You can also find help and support through mankind.org.uk, a charity that helps men escape abusive relationships.