My wife has told me to get a girlfriend because she doesn’t like men

DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife has told me to find a girlfriend because she isn’t interested in men.

After 20 years of marriage she has finally admitted she’s a lesbian - why waste so much of my life?

Even while we were still having sex, she tried to get me to role play as a woman in bed. I found it humiliating.

I’m 55 and she’s 53. We’ve been married for 20 years.

I had no idea she had sexual feelings for women when we first got together.

However, our sex life was always an issue. Sometimes she wanted it three times a day, and sometimes never - but it was always on her terms.

I didn’t like it, but we had small children and I didn’t want to rock the boat.

But six years ago, she had an affair with a woman at work. She then told me she had always been attracted to women and doesn’t even like sex with men.

Unsurprisingly, our sex life has dried up altogether.

Sometimes, she is nasty, putting me down and making me feel like I’m useless and unattractive - only half a man.

I put up with her behaviour because I love her, and keep hoping things will change.

Recently, I told her I wanted to sort things out and have a sexual relationship again.

She laughed, said she wasn’t interested and that I should go and find a girlfriend instead. But I don’t want that - I want to repair my marriage. 

I feel so miserable and frustrated. What should I do?

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DEIDRE SAYS: You’re in a very unhappy and unhealthy marriage with a woman who has cheated and rejected you sexually, even suggesting you have an affair.

She is also controlling and abusive and makes you feel emasculated and unattractive. 

I know you say you love her, but you deserve so much better than being tied to someone who has made it clear she doesn’t want you. 

Her controlling behaviour has damaged your self-esteem. See my support pack Raising Self-Esteem about this.

Perhaps she likes the respectable veneer of marriage, or doesn’t want to give up the lifestyle she enjoys with you. 

But it is high time to ask yourself what you are getting from this marriage. Although divorce would be painful, you would be free to meet someone who respects and desires you.

For help coping with her abuse, see my Abusive Partner support pack and contact Mankind (, tel: 01823 334244.)