I’m in a ‘friend with benefits’ situation with the father of my child

DEAR DEIDRE: SOMEHOW, I’ve found myself in a ‘friends with benefits’ situation with the father of my child.

All I want is to get back with him so we can be a family again, but I’m starting to think he’s using me for sex.

I’m 30, he’s 32, and we have a three-year-old son.

I always assumed we’d get married but, after our son’s birth, our relationship started to go downhill.

Although we still loved each other, we rowed about stupid things, mainly because we were tired, had little money and no time.

A year ago, we had an enormous row and he stormed out, saying it was over. 

Since then, we’ve seen each other regularly for our son’s sake, having meals and talking a lot. 

We’ve also been having sex whenever he stays over. It’s as good as it was at the start of our relationship. 

We’re a couple again in all but name. But every time I mention the idea of him moving back in and getting back together, he fobs me off and we end up rowing again. 

I now think he’s just enjoying his freedom and having sex on tap, whenever he wants it. 

I feel used. What should I do?

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DEIDRE SAYS: Your ex is taking advantage of your feelings for him, while refusing to commit. 

He’s sending you very mixed messages, and that’s making you feel insecure and used. It isn’t good for your son either. 

But by continuing to have sex with him, you’re allowing him to behave like this. You need to stop.

It’s also keeping you emotionally tied to him.

Tell him how you feel and say it’s time he makes a decision about what he wants. If it’s to reunite, then couples counselling could be helpful for you to work on the issues in your relationship.

See my support pack, How Counselling Can Help, about this.

But if it isn’t to be a family, then you need to set boundaries and formalise arrangements for your son.