My boyfriend loves his family but needs to prioritise me
DEAR DEIDRE: MY brother-in-law’s mental health problems are ruining my relationship.
The problem is, my boyfriend spends so much time caring for his brother that he doesn’t have any time for me - or us. I know it sounds selfish, but surely I’m entitled to a life too?
I’m 26 and my boyfriend of two years is 27. His brother is 30.
My boyfriend still lives at home with his brother and parents. They’re a very close family - they even eat every meal together.
His brother has had severe mental health problems for years, and is in and out of hospital.
He has anxiety attacks and also gets very low, sometimes even suicidal. There are times he can’t be left alone, so they take it in turns to be with him.
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Even when his brother is in hospital, my boyfriend spends all his free time visiting, so I’m lucky if I get to see him for a few hours over the weekend.
He worries desperately about his brother, and I want to support him and be helpful, but I feel increasingly resentful.
All I want is to be his main focus sometimes. But I feel like I come third to his job and his brother.
I love him, and the fact he’s such a brilliant brother, so I don’t want to break up with him. I also don’t want him to think I’m uncaring.
What can I do?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
Deidre says:
When one member of a family has a severe illness or condition, whether it’s physical or mental, it can take a huge toll on everyone else.
Your brother clearly comes from a wonderfully-supportive family.
But it’s completely understandable that you feel neglected and unhappy.
It’s time to talk to him and explain how you feel. He may well be feeling overburdened too - ask him to be honest.
If you want a future with him, then things will have to change. Perhaps it’s time to discuss what this future will look like.
Would he be able to spend one uninterrupted evening with you? What would an improvement look like for you both?
My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, should be useful for you both to read.