My lover’s fiancé caught us in the middle of a steamy sex session
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here.
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
You can also private message on the Facebook page.
Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF
(please enclose SAE).
Dear Deidre
MY lover and I were having sex when her fiancé caught us at it.
He was so furious that he took the scissors to her suitcase of clothes.
I feel so bad for her.
She’s the receptionist at the car showroom where I work. She is 28 and is sex on legs.
I’m 33 and have been in my car-sales job for six months.
I’m a Jack-the-lad type and I normally have one-night stands but the receptionist really turned my head when I started working there — until my colleagues told me she was engaged.
I was out in the car park a few weeks ago when the receptionist reversed her car into a brand-new show model.
She was so upset but I calmed her down, telling her not to worry as the cars were insured.
Later that day she came to find me, saying: “My car is now in for repair.
“Can I buy you a drink? You’ve been so kind.”
We went out to a local pub. She told me her fiancé was off on a training course.
We were hammered by the time we left. We walked back to my place for a nightcap.
I kissed her, she started touching me and we ended up having sex. It was off the scale.
I couldn’t keep my eyes off her the following day. She texted me, asking me to meet her at lunchtime.
We nipped back to my flat and had sex again.
She invited me for a weekend away with some of her friends who were renting a holiday home.
Her partner was going but she said it would be fun.
Within an hour of arriving we snuck off to the summer house together.
We were just getting down to it when the door was thrown open and there was her partner, standing there.
He went mad. He slapped her across the face and she slapped him back.
He ran up to their room and cut up all her clothes.
He smashed ornaments too and wouldn’t stop.
They went home and left me making awkward explanations to her mates.
She hasn’t been back to work and hasn’t contacted me. I really miss her.
We’re all meant to go to the boss’s 40th birthday party next weekend. Should I go?
DEIDRE SAYS: Do you really miss her or is it the sex and the thrill of the chase you miss?
In any event, it sounds like the last thing she wants or needs right now is for you to keep showing interest.
Her fiancé was furious but he behaved in a very aggressive way and I worry for her with a man like that.
Ask discreetly at work while she is away to be sure she is OK.
Find out if she intends to go to that party with her fiancé.
If she does, make your excuses and stay away.
If she breaks up with her fiancé anyway, you could see if she is interested in going out with you – but only if you are thinking of more than a quick fling.
My e-leaflet Hooked On Casual Sex? might help you rethink your approach.
MOST READ IN DEAR DEIDRE
Dear Deidre
MY partner ignores me when I talk to him and he ignores the kids.
He doesn’t cook, clean or do laundry.
He doesn’t even have sex unless I push him into it.
He always has an excuse.
He’ll feed our baby girl if he’s Skyping his family back in Bangladesh but he takes no notice of her crying the rest of the time.
He works from lunchtime until the early hours of the morning, then he sleeps until half an hour before he’s due back at work.
I wait up for him sometimes but he doesn’t want to talk.
I’ve had enough.
I don’t feel like supporting his visa application.
We are both 30.
DEIDRE SAYS: Tell him you two need a serious talk, and fix a time when he will give you his full attention.
Explain how you see a happy relationship.
Working shifts can knock out sex drive, and could he be depressed?
Cultural differences may mean he sees women as bringing up the children and men going to work.
Tell him something has to change if he’s serious about you, the family and his visa application.
Maybe he needs to pay a visit to your GP, and you can both find some support through the Asian Family Counselling Service (, 020 8571 3933).
Topic of the day
I HEAR most days from single men and women who long to be in a relationship but have never managed to find that special someone – or even get into dating.
My e-leaflet on Finding The Love Of Your Life explains the simple steps you need to take.
Email me at [email protected] for your copy.
Dear Deidre
I THINK I am eating myself to death.
I am terrified that I can’t stop.
I have been overweight ever since I was a child.
I’m a woman of 25, 5ft 1in tall and I weigh 23st.
I was bullied at school and bullied at home by my dad.
He always said hurtful things to me.
Some of it is true. I’m fat and don’t have good personal hygiene.
I would have killed myself at school if it wasn’t for my history teacher.
He was lovely.
He saved me from doing something stupid.
It’s a vicious circle.
If somebody in the street calls me fat, I come home and binge-eat – then I feel bad about myself.
It’s got to the stage where I don’t care about how I look or what people think of me.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve had it tough and sound to be suffering from a binge-eating disorder – but with the right support, you can still change your life for the better.
Make an appointment with your GP, say how low you feel and that you want help to lose weight safely and sensibly.
Ask if you can be “prescribed” counselling for any underlying issues and maybe gym sessions too.
You can find support through the Beat eating disorders charity (, 0808 801 0711).
I discovered her secret pleasure
Dear Deidre
I FOUND three vibrators in my wife’s wardrobe when I was looking for a cabin bag.
I was going away on a business trip and when I found the suitcase, the sex aids were inside.
We’ve been married for ten years.
She’s 42 and I’m 45 and everything in our marriage is great, but I have had erection difficulties so we hardly ever have sex.
I did get some medication from my doctor but I only have the courage to take it if I masturbate when my wife is out.
I don’t want to embarrass my wife by telling her what I’ve found but it’s clear she misses sex too.
What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s clear you both miss sex so get up the confidence to talk to your wife.
She’ll be relieved and you don’t have to mention what you found, just say how much you miss the intimacy.
Together read my e-leaflet on Sex-Play Therapy.
It shows you how to touch, kiss, caress and even share orgasms.
Save intercourse for when you’re back in tune with your sexual responses.
Then you may not need the medication.
Sexy thoughts about his twin
Dear Deidre
I FIND myself lusting after my partner’s twin brother.
I don’t want to cheat but I can’t get him off my mind.
I’m 26 and get along really well with my partner’s twin.
He calls me “babe” or “gorgeous” when he sees me and likes all my pictures on Facebook.
He flirts and my boyfriend doesn’t seem to mind. They’re 28.
My partner got together with me when my daughter was six months old.
He treats her like his own child and he’s a great dad.
His brother is moving into the next street along with his girlfriend and I’ve been having sexual thoughts about him coming round when my partner is at work.
DEIDRE SAYS: Even if they are not identical (you don’t say), your partner and his brother will have lots of similar traits.
Your partner may have got a bit complacent, so his brother’s compliments stand out.
Be strong and don’t let yourself be tempted to stray. You will regret it and his brother won’t even like you for it.
Tell your partner you need more va-va-voom.
My e-leaflet 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex will help.
Family forum
Dear Deidre
MY wife and kids would be better off if I were dead.
They’d have the mortgage paid and cash in the bank.
I’m 53 and in a rubbish job I hate.
I wanted to join the Navy and could have done well but my dad persuaded me to get a normal job instead.
Now I have to live with his mistake.
The kids are 15 and 12.
They ask me for things and I find myself saying, “Not this month,” or, “Sorry mate, I can’t afford that”.
One day I flipped and banged my head against the wall. It felt so good.
Hurting myself took the pain away.
Now I think I’ll go too far and the stress will bump me off.
I feel so trapped and useless.
DEIDRE SAYS: You have been bottling up all of this stress and it is making you depressed.
You feel like a failure but your family know you provide for them and love you for who you are.
It is a good life lesson that the kids don’t just get everything they want.
Talk to your wife about improving your quality of life.
Family time, like a day at the beach or a DVD and making pizzas at home, is something that you can all enjoy together.
Could you look for a new job or could your wife?
Speak with your management about a change in work role or even retraining.
It may give you a new focus.
My e-leaflets on depression and self-harm will help you find support.
My girl's bloke is a paedo
Dear Deidre
MY daughter is living with a paedophile and I don’t know whether she realises.
She’s 40 and has lived on her own since her divorce ten years ago.
She finally met somebody through online dating six months ago and I’d never seen her so happy.
He’s 35 and she says he worked abroad until recently.
But my friend knows his family and she told me he’d been in prison for a sexual offence.
My daughter has a girl of 14.
He seems a nice guy but what if neighbours find out about his past?
He’s done his time and I don’t want to jeopardise his future by telling anyone but I am worried about my granddaughter.
DEIDRE SAYS: Talk to your local police about the Sarah’s Law disclosure scheme, which is there to protect families in cases like this.
You should be able to discover whether this man poses a danger to your granddaughter.
You can find out more about the scheme through the NSPCC (, 0808 800 5000).
Then you can judge whether it is right to talk to your daughter about what she may already know.
BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years – especially those serving overseas.
Find out how to join in here.
