My wife is still punishing me for an affair I had two decades ago
DEAR DEIDRE: OVER two decades ago, I had an affair, and my wife is punishing me still for it by withholding sex.
We’ve been sexually incompatible for decades, but we’ve finally reached sexual stalemate.
I’m 57 and she’s 54. We have two grown up children.
My sex drive has always been much higher than hers and, early in our relationship, I’m ashamed to say I cheated with a female friend.
When my wife found out, she was devastated. I begged for a second chance.
I thought she’d forgiven me but, as she’s aged, her resentment has started to resurface.
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For the past five years, she has refused to have sex with me at all. Now she’s moved into the spare bedroom.
She says she won’t be intimate again because she believes I’m cheating on her by talking to other women online.
But I only do this because I’m so sexually frustrated - which is down to the fact she won’t sleep with me. It’s a vicious circle!
It feels like she’s punishing me by withholding sex. I’ve tried talking to her about this, but we just argue and get nowhere.
Divorce isn’t an option - I do still love her and don’t want to give up our otherwise good and comfortable life.
Should I just accept sex is never going to happen with her again and try to find comfort elsewhere, in the hope she never finds out?
I don’t want to be celibate and feel so miserable.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Years of unresolved resentments and differences have sadly driven a wedge between you and your wife, wrecking your sex life.
Your distress is totally understandable. Sexual intimacy is an important part of a marriage.
But your idea to try to find comfort elsewhere as a solution is unwise. It will compound your problems.
Your wife never healed after your past affair and doesn’t trust you. Looking for sex with other women will only prove her right.
Instead, you need to rebuild her trust and work on restoring intimacy together. Apologise for straying and explain why you were tempted.
Stop talking to other women online and tell her how much you want to share a physical relationship with her because you love her.
Couples counselling would be a very good idea for you both - a safe space for you to be honest.
Contact Tavistock Relationships (, tel: 020 7380 1975) and also read my support packs on Sex Therapy, Different Sex Drives and Cheating.