Dear Deidre
I’m delighted my wife is pregnant, but I can’t get over her affairs
DEAR DEIDRE: Although I’m delighted my wife is having my baby, I can’t get over her affairs.
I’m plagued with thoughts of her having sex with other men.
We’ve been married for eight years. I’m 38 and she’s 36.
Last summer, we went through a rough patch. We’d been trying unsuccessfully to conceive for over a year.
Sex had become routine and unfulfilling. The spark had gone out of our relationship and we argued a lot.
One day, my wife told me she needed space because she wasn’t sure she loved me anymore.
She arranged to go on holiday for a week with her best friend.
When she came back, she said she wanted to give things another go. I was happy.
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But then she told me that while on holiday she’d had a one night stand.
She also admitted to a brief affair with a guy from work.
She said they’d meant nothing. It was simply about attention - attention I no longer gave her.
She’d been feeling lost and lonely, and they made her feel attractive.
I was devastated but, as I still loved her, agreed to work on our relationship.
Since then, we’ve been going on dates, being more affectionate and talking a lot. We’ve also got our sex life back on track.
And last month, she found out she was pregnant at last.
The problem is, I’m struggling to get over her infidelity.
I feel I need to know every last detail of what happened, and I lie awake at night picturing her with these men.
She’s promised never to cheat again and I believe her. But I still can’t move on.
And even though I know it’s irrational, a little part of me wonders if I’m really our baby’s dad.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Getting over infidelity and rebuilding trust in a relationship doesn’t happen overnight. The way you’re feeling is absolutely natural.
Don’t seek the details of her infidelity - they won’t help you move on. In fact they will only provide an anxiety-fuelled distraction.
She cheated, now you need to focus on why and how you can improve things.
See my support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It? for more on this.
It’s important you let her know you’re struggling. You’re having a baby together and they will need happy, united parents.
Having some relationship counselling - alone and/or together - could help you work through your feelings. You can find support through Tavistock Relationships (www.tavistockrelationships.org, tel: 020 7380 1960).
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