Dear Deidre
My cougar lover is sleeping with other men
DEAR DEIDRE: I’ve been having a thrilling fling with my older boss, who has an insatiable sexual appetite – but I’m now convinced that she’s sleeping with other men, too.
I’m 27 and she’s 52. She’s the licensee for the pub where I’m the chef. The staff all like her as she’s super cool, and great with customers.
One evening after work she asked if I’d share some wine as she wanted my opinion on changing the menu.
Our chat quickly became flirty and she asked whether I had a girlfriend.
When she questioned if I found her attractive, I admitted, “very much”.
The next thing I knew, she was walking around to my side of the table, leaning down and kissing me passionately. Things got more heated and we ended up having sex.
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I felt awkward the next day, but she asked me to stay late again, and the following night too.
We now have sex in the flat upstairs whenever she demands it. But recently she’s been flirting with a couple of regular customers. Watching her feels so insulting.
We’re not official, but I was starting to hope we would be, so seeing her look elsewhere right under my nose feels really disrespectful.
I was surprisingly upset when I saw a message on her phone about sex from one of these guys. Now I’m convinced she’s sleeping with other men at the same time as me.
I tried to talk to her about it, but she brushed my questions away because she wanted sex. She’s now become distant and is often too “tired or busy” to see me.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: It doesn’t sound like you have ever spoken to each other about how you see your relationship.
From what you’ve written, she’s happy to keep things casual and enjoys the freedom of seeing whoever she wants.
Meanwhile, you are looking for a proper relationship and monogamy.
To be sure, ask her where she sees your arrangement going and if, as I suspect, she tells you that she wants to keep things purely sexual, then you know where you stand.
You may get hurt if you continue to play to her tune. Tell her it’s been great but you’re ready for something more than just sex.
She’ll appreciate you being mature enough to end things properly, where she couldn’t.
Plan activities away from your job and make sure you leave work promptly so you don’t hang around looking available.
Dear Deidre: Cheating and can you get over it
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