My lover’s wife died but I’m still his dirty little secret
READ Dear Deidre Editor Sally Land's personal replies to today's problems.
DEAR DEIDRE: When my lover’s wife died I hoped we’d finally be able to move our secret affair onto an official status. Yet eight years later and I still feel like his dirty little secret.
We still have great sex but he refuses to introduce me to his family.
I’m 58, he’s 63 and our affair first started 11 years ago after we grew close at work.
We’d exchanged intense looks and for years it took all my self control not to pounce on him, but after a big work night out, we both finally gave in.
We’d both had a couple of drinks and ended up passionately kissing as we went out to get our taxis.
After that we embarked on a passionate affair and over the course of three years we fell head over heels for one another.
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He always assured me that his marriage was over and that it was only a matter of time before we could be together properly.
Then one day, his wife unexpectedly died from a sudden cardiac arrest.
Understandably, he was beside himself.
I did everything I could to support him, and while I understood this would complicate our situation, I still hoped we’d have a future together.
However, it’s been so long that I’m starting to doubt he will ever want to take our relationship seriously.
Every time I bring it up there’s a new excuse about why he isn’t ready to introduce me. He has two sons and two grandchildren he adores.
I’m at a loss. I love him dearly, but how much longer can I wait?
DEIDRE SAYS: While it’s understandable that your partner needed time before officially introducing you, eight years is too long to be anyone’s secret.
It’s likely he’s struggling with the guilt of the affair, and worries about his family finding out about the circumstances of the start of your relationship. These things do sometimes have a habit of slipping out.
However, if he’s serious about you, he needs to take action.
Find the time to sit down and have a serious talk with him. Tell him you can see how he feels about you but now you need him to show it.
Explain that you feel it’s important to finally have your relationship out in the open.
If he still refuses to consider introducing you, it may be time to look at ending your relationship.
My support pack Moving On will help if it gets to that point.