Could swinging solve my commitment issues?
DEAR DEIDRE: I need to persuade my girlfriend to let other people join our sex life – to stop me running away.
I think that this would stop me feeling bored and trapped. I’m worried I’ll end up ditching her like I have in my previous relationships.
I’m 36 and my girlfriend is 30. We’ve been together for a year.
I do love her and a big part of me wants to settle down, but I fear that it won’t last much longer.
I’ve had lots of relationships since my late teens, and every one has ended at around the 18-month mark.
That’s when sex becomes less exciting and mundane life starts creeping in.
At that stage, I start picturing a future with us at 50, watching TV, in our slippers – and I want to run away.
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So I end things. I think that if my girlfriend and I could get into an open relationship, we could keep things exciting sexually.
My girlfriend isn’t inhibited sexually. She loves trying new things, and she talks about her fantasies, but she’s never mentioned bringing another man — or woman — into our sex life.
I want to tell her that if we don’t start branching out sexually, things are likely to go awry. She thinks my poor relationship track record is the result of not being with the right person.
In truth, most of my exes were lovely. The problem wasn’t them, but me and my fear of being tied down.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s good that you’ve recognised you have a problem with commitment.
But even if your solution – sex with other people – is acceptable to your girlfriend, and that’s a big “if”, it doesn’t get to the root of the issue. And open relationships are fraught with problems, such as jealousy.
In order for these arrangements to work both parties must be able to completely trust each other, be excellent communicators and be honest about their feelings.
Instead, it would be wise to work on your insecurities and understand why you have a fear of being settled.
Counselling would help you to do this. See my support pack How Counselling Can Help.
You can keep sex fresh with your girlfriend, if you both make an effort.
That could include swapping partners, but only if it is something she is keen to do too.