My wife is pulling more than pints at our local pub
DEAR DEIDRE: My wife’s been picking up strangers in pubs for sex.
Should I blame her – or her recently diagnosed mental health condition?
I know she loves me and didn’t mean to hurt me but I feel betrayed and angry.
I’m 40 and she’s 35. We’ve been married for ten years and have two lovely children.
She has always suffered from periods of depression, which have been difficult to cope with. When she’s depressed, she barely talks, can’t eat or sleep and doesn’t want to go out.
At other times, she’s the life and soul of the party, creative and energetic. I always assumed this was just her personality. I loved her regardless.
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But a few months ago, I discovered that she had been cheating on me.
It turned out there wasn’t just one man, but several, including some one-night stands.
I was horrified and shocked — not only that she’d been unfaithful but also that she’d been having sex with strangers she met in the pub. It seemed so reckless and out of character.
When I confronted her about it she became desperately upset. She agreed to go to counselling with me to save our marriage.
The counsellor suggested she see a doctor, and she ended up diagnosed with bipolar — which explains her mood swings and out-of-character behaviour.
We realised the cheating happened during her “manic” episodes. At the same time, she was spending lots of money, and getting into debt.
Now, thankfully, she’s getting treatment and I hope things will improve.
But although I know she only had sex with other men because of her illness, I can’t get over it. I want to be there for her but I can’t trust her.
How do we move past this?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Bipolar is a very difficult condition to cope with, both for the person who has it and those who love them.
You love your wife and are trying hard to help her and repair your marriage.
But you’re human, not a saint, and your feelings are natural. Of course your wife’s behaviour has had a huge impact on your marriage.
Keep talking to your counsellor and to your wife. My support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It? should have some useful advice.
For help go to bipolar.org, and mental health charity Mind (mind.org.uk) has specific information for those supporting someone with bipolar.