My parents always go against my rules when they look after my son

DEAR DEIDRE: MY parents don’t respect my boundaries as a parent.
I’m in my thirties and they are in their sixties.

My parenting style is very different from theirs.

Despite making firm boundaries when it comes to my son, they push against each one.

I don’t think they will ever respect my values, which is really stressing me out, as I know they will overrule me whenever I see them.

If I ask them not to let my three-year-old son snack between meals,

I’ll come home and find crisp and sweet packets in the bin.

I don’t want him watching too much TV, either, and yet they let him stare at their phones and screens for hours.

I’m reluctant to cut them out of my life but I’m also struggling with them, so it’s all in limbo right now.

Whenever I challenge them, they make out that I’m being uptight and say inflammatory things like, “Oh yes, we did such a bad job bringing you up.”

Despite this, my partner supports me and backs me up.

But he has said he is close to banning them from our home. What should I do?

DEIDRE SAYS: It is good that you and your partner are supportive of each other.

Your parents may not realise how hurtful their actions and comments are.

Alternatively, they could feel insecure that your choices are a reaction and indirect criticism of the way they brought you up.

Whatever the reason, they need to start respecting your choices.

When you can, have a calm conversation with both of them.

Explain how their behaviour and comments make you feel. Reassure them this is no reflection on their parenting, this is about your choices.

And crucially, let them know that you really need to see a change in their attitude.

Be clear that you are considering spending less time with them if they can’t take on board your feelings.

If your parents still refuse to make any adjustments, then you would be wise to put a little distance between you, for the sake of your family.