I should be happy that I’m engaged, but I’m having serious doubts

DEAR DEIDRE: After 10 years in an on/off relationship, my partner has finally asked me to marry him.

I should be delighted but instead I’m having serious doubts because of the way he’s treated me in the past.

I’m 52 and he’s 56.  We’re both divorced with grown-up kids.

On the surface, our relationship is good. We have lots in common, enjoy going to the theatre and for weekends in the countryside.

We did live together for a couple of years at the start of our relationship, but it didn’t work. He was cold and distant and never wanted to have sex.

He always looked at other, younger - and slimmer - women, making me feel inadequate and that I couldn’t trust him.

When he was offered a flat as part of his job - he’s a school caretaker - we agreed he should take it and I’d go back to my own flat.

Since then, we’ve carried on the relationship, breaking up a couple of times in the intervening years, following arguments about the lack of sex and affection.

We stayed friends. But since the lockdowns, he’s been very keen to marry. 

I think he was lonely and realised what the future would look like without a long-term partner. 

He has been more affectionate, but I fear he’d revert to his cold, distant self once we were married. 

I do love him though. Maybe he’s changed. 

DEIDRE SAYS:  Don’t rush into marriage because he’s throwing you a few crumbs of affection now, to avoid being lonely in his dotage. 

Better to take your time to be sure he has truly come to his senses and will appreciate you in the long term.

Don’t forget how he made you feel when you lived with him before. His behaviour left you feeling miserable and inadequate.

Read my support packs, Raising Self-Esteem, and Addictive Love, which talks about this type of relationship, and think about having counselling.