My girlfriend said my sexual kink is a turn off
DEAR DEIDRE: My girlfriend tried my kink once but said it was such a turn-off that she won’t entertain it again.
I’m not a transvestite and I don’t want to be a woman. But the only way I can enjoy intimacy is wearing fishnet tights.
This is ruining our relationship and my partner is now avoiding sex.
I’m 45 and she is 39. We’ve been together for five years.
I’ve always had a thing about fishnets — particularly flesh-coloured ones, like dancers wear — but they were never an essential part of my sex life before.
When I was younger, I had normal sexual relationships. I would fantasise about fishnets and watch videos of women wearing them, but no one knew.
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Sometimes, I’d ask my girlfriends to wear a pair. They were generally happy to oblige.
But over the years, I found that wasn’t enough. I started to borrow my lovers’ tights, then bought some and wore them when I was alone.
There’s something about the texture and the holes that does it for me.
The problem is that now when I want to have sex, I need to wear tights.
Without them, my body won’t perform. My partner thought my erection issues were because she wasn’t attractive enough.
Eventually, I confessed the truth. I asked if we could have sex while I wore the tights. She agreed and we managed to make love successfully.
But she said it was a real turn-off for her and she doesn’t want me to wear them every time in the bedroom. How can we resolve this?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Your need to wear tights to become sexually stimulated is a type of fetish.
These are far more common than you would think and generally stem from early experiences, while your sexual preferences were developing.
My support pack about fetishes explains more. They aren’t always problematic, unless they start to interfere in your daily life and relationships – as yours now is.
For you, sex and tights have become inextricably linked. Not being able to achieve an erection is often a psychological issue. If your brain isn’t aroused, your body won’t be.
It would be helpful for you to have some sex and relationship therapy, both alone and with your partner. My support pack on Sex Therapy explains more.