I need a kidney donor but my friend’s response floored me

DEAR DEIDRE: My best friend has said no to being my kidney donor, and now I’m not sure how our friendship can recover.

I know it’s a big ask, but she dismissed the idea so quickly, it felt like she didn’t care about me at all.

I’m a 40-year-old single mother with a progressive kidney disease.

I’ve been told I urgently need a kidney donor or I’ll have to start on dialysis very soon.

Unfortunately, my siblings aren’t a match, and my parents are too old. The thought of dialysis terrifies me.

I have a daughter aged ten, and I know how much it will affect her life too.

Getting a new kidney would allow us to live a normal life. My best friend, 40, and I have been mates since university. Our daughters are like sisters.

When I got sick she was amazingly helpful, so when my family were found not to be matches, I asked her if she’d be my potential donor.

She said: “Sorry, that’s too much to ask. I really hope you find someone soon.” I get it’s an operation and it has risks, and she might not be a match anyway.

But if things were reversed, I’d do it for her, no question.

To be rejected so quickly and easily hurts. I am now avoiding her, as it’s hard to talk. Am I being unfair?

DEIDRE SAYS: Your friend’s refusal must feel like a rejection. It’s making you question how much she really cares for you.

But being a live kidney donor is a major operation – riskier for the donor than the recipient.

She may know this and feel she can’t take the risk for herself and her own family. Or she may just be scared.

Try not to judge her for her decision. Perhaps, if you can’t find another donor and she sees the impact of dialysis, she may change her mind.

It doesn’t mean she isn’t there for you. Do talk to her and be honest about your feelings.

Ask her to explain her reasoning and see if you can get past this together. You’ll need her support.

Call the Kidney Care charity for advice (kidneycareuk.org, 0142 054 1424).