I’m haunted by the memories of my ex-best friend and partner
DEAR DEIDRE: Recently I bumped into my ex-best friend and feel haunted by memories of discovering she’d been having sex with my partner.
Their affair happened ten years ago but seeing her again has brought the pain flooding back.
At the time, my now-husband and I had been together for a year. I worked with this woman and we’d do everything together.
She’s very pretty and I was always in awe of her. We’d regularly go out in a foursome with her and her boyfriend. She’s 35 now. I’m 36 and my husband is 38.
We had tickets for a football match but that particular day, I was too ill with a heavy cold to go and her boyfriend had been called into work urgently.
It left my husband and my friend to go together.
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I saw messages from her on his phone a few weeks later and knew something wasn’t right.
I confronted him and he admitted they got “carried away” that day during the after-match drinks, but nothing more.
When I spoke to her she admitted she’d “let things go too far”.
I was devastated and they both apologised and said it was a mistake that they wouldn’t repeat.
I decided to forgive and forget and we subsequently got married.
She changed jobs soon after and moved away. I don’t even know if she’s with the same guy now.
But she has cast a shadow over my marriage and now I’m worried she’s back in the area and a potential threat.
I don’t think he’d cheat again but every time he goes out alone, I wonder what he’s up to.
I still feel so angry. I want to bring it up but I’m worried I’ll be opening a can of worms.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: His betrayal was a significant event in your relationship which you have never truly got over.
You’ve no doubt got some unanswered questions, which you had buried away, and seeing your ex-friend has brought them to the fore.
Find a quiet moment to talk to your husband and explain that when you saw her, it upset you.
Suggest you get counselling together through tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975). If he doesn’t want to go, you should go alone.
My support pack, Cheating – Can You Get Over It?, along with another one about counselling, will help.