I’ve been seeing my late friend’s husband – I can’t help but feel disloyal
DEAR DEIDRE:I’VE been seeing my friend’s husband and feel so disloyal about it, even though she has died.
He is now widowed, like I am.
We have been meeting for a drink or to walk his dog and then have a coffee.
We have shared a kiss and a cuddle but I have thought about this and I don’t really want any more than that.
I’m past the age of needing sex – I’m 77 and he’s 75.
I got to know my friend when her first husband left, leaving her a single mum.
I used to babysit for her.
Time moved on and I met my husband and married, while she met her second husband.
We were always close as a foursome but when my friend had health issues before she died, I would visit her in hospital and my husband suspected I was having an affair. I wasn’t.
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I got sick of his accusations and my friend knew how difficult he was.
My husband then had some health issues and I became his carer until he died.
I feel I have got my life back now.
I’m going to keep-fit classes and I volunteer.
I have friends around me, including my friend’s husband, but he’s had a couple of health scares.
He’s lovely but I don’t want to care for anyone else now.
I enjoy the friendship but without the sex.
Am I leading him on?
DEIDRE SAYS: No, not if you are clear about what you are looking for.
If he is happy to have a tactile but no-sex relationship, then that would suit you both.
Your friend knew your husband could be difficult and she may not have wanted her husband to be lonely, so this might have been the perfect solution in her eyes.
You are over-thinking everything, rather than enjoying the friendship.
Professional bereavement counselling could help.
Contact sueryder.org, (0808 164 4572), which offers six weeks of free counselling.
