My kinky husband says our sex life is a turn off
DEAR DEIDRE: My husband is obsessed with kinky sex and accuses me of being boring in bed.
It’s causing problems in our marriage and I fear we are heading for the divorce courts.
We’ve been married for five years, together for seven, and we have a two-year-old son. I’m 35 and my husband is 38.
At first, our sex life was great - passionate and exciting. But a couple of years after we wed, my husband said he likes to be dominated in bed.
He said he only really got turned on when I took control and pushed him around.
Worse, he likes to be hurt and humiliated. He loves to be told he’s worthless and ugly.
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The problem is, while I don’t mind a bit of mild bondage, tieing him up or spanking him, it doesn’t do much for me.
And he more extreme things he enjoys actually make me feel sick
I get no pleasure at all from hurting him or putting him down.
Quite the opposite. It feels abusive and wrong. But he says it makes him happy. The result is that I now have stopped wanting sex with him. I avoid it at all costs.
I still have sexual needs. I crave simply making love, with lots of kissing, hugging and gentle caresses.
He calls that “vanilla” sex and says it’s a turn-off. I’ve suggested he watches porn instead of involving me in his weird fetishes. He says that doesn’t satisfy him.
Our marriage is otherwise good. I love him and he’s a great dad.
But I’m starting to lose respect for him and I’m now thinking that we have no future together.
Can I save this marriage?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s sad that your otherwise good relationship is being spoiled by your husband’s sexual needs, which are incompatible with yours.
It sounds like he didn’t reveal his kinks until after you were married, perhaps because he was worried that you wouldn’t accept him, and he was afraid of losing you.
If you are to save your marriage, he needs to accept that he can’t expect you to perform acts you find repellant.
And you both need to compromise and agree on boundaries. Having sex therapy with a professional counsellor might help you to do this.
See my support pack about sex therapy and contact a counsellor through the College of Psychosexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk, 0208 106 9635).
