My daughter is hellbent on punishing my cheating wife
DEAR DEIDRE: I want to give my cheating wife a second chance but my daughter won’t let her back in the house.
She is refusing to allow her in our home and never wants to see her again.
I’m 49 and my wife is 40. My daughter, 17, from a previous marriage, lives with me.
Six months ago my wife admitted to an affair. I was devastated and asked her to leave.
We didn’t speak for several months because I felt I needed space to heal.
But I missed her greatly and started to realise I loved her and wanted to forgive her and work on our marriage.
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To say my daughter wasn’t happy about this is an understatement.
She was ten when I remarried, and saw her step-mum as a second mother.
Her own mum was an alcoholic and they no longer have any contact.
For my daughter, the affair wasn’t just a betrayal of me, but of her too.
When she found out, she was in bits.
She told my wife she wouldn’t speak to her again and was “dead” to her.
Despite this, because I love my wife, I started speaking to her once more and we met in secret.
Now we have started sleeping together again and have both said we’d like to get back together.
But my daughter says that can’t happen. She said: “It’s her or me.”
I understand how upset my daughter is but she doesn’t understand adult relationships.
I’m sure in time she’ll forgive her step-mum.
How can I make her see that my decision is the right one?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Your daughter is still a child, one who’s already lost a mother and has now been betrayed by a second.
If you disregard her feelings, she will feel understandably angry.
She will feel you place your own feelings, and those of your wife, above hers. It could destroy your relationship with her.
You clearly want to do the right thing by her, so you need to take a gentler approach.
Be patient. Don’t let your wife move straight back in.
Explain your feelings to your daughter. Make it clear you are taking her feelings into account too.
She needs to learn to trust again, like you. But you must accept things may never be the same.
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