I caught my wife in bed with boiler engineer – we haven’t had sex for years
DEAR DEIDRE: I caught my wife in bed with our boiler engineer on the day my operation was cancelled.
I’m 69 and she is 62. She has the start of dementia and is finding things frustrating because her memory isn’t good.
We haven’t had sex for years — since my diabetes diagnosis, after which I couldn’t perform.
My wife has found this frustrating and had to accept that our days of afternoon sex were over.
I was booked for a cataract operation but it coincided with us having our boiler serviced.
So I insisted that I’d go alone and book a taxi.
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She can’t really drive these days, anyway, and I didn’t want her waiting all day for me.
Frustratingly, the consultant was ill so they cancelled all the operations at the last minute and I was back home within two hours.
I saw the engineer’s van outside but he wasn’t in our kitchen and neither was my wife.
When I went upstairs, there were groaning sounds coming from our bedroom and I looked through the crack in the door to see movement under the covers.
They didn’t see me. I slipped out quietly and walked into town in a daze, and only went home after another hour, phoning my wife to tell her I was on my way.
You wouldn’t have known anything was out of place at home. He’d gone and the boiler was serviced.
But I can’t unsee what I saw. He’s in his late fifties and he’s worked for us for years.
I love my wife so much and wonder whether she really knew what she was doing.
I can’t give her what she wants, so should I let him?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: No. Dementia is a serious illness but she knows what she’s doing and this is a betrayal.
Find a moment to talk to her about what you saw and heard. You can also contact tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975) who offer couple counselling.
Tell your wife that you don’t want her to see this man again.
You might not be able to have penetrative sex these days but you can be loving and intimate, even with diabetes.
Contact diabetes.org.uk) for more advice. My support pack on cheating will help you.
Dementia UK (dementiauk.org, Helpline 0800 888 6678) is always there for advice too.
