Is it time to call it a day on my marriage?
DEAR DEIDRE: After I found out my wife was having an emotional and sexual affair with a short, tubby, nondescript man, I left my family home.
She says she fell for him because he’s more confident than me, even though I’m better looking.
I’m 40 and my wife is 38. We’ve been married for 12 years and have two young kids.
I’ve been quite down since I got made redundant. It really knocked my confidence, and I stopped wanting sex with my wife.
Rather than boosting and supporting me, as I’d hoped and expected, she turned to another man, someone she works with.
I would hear her chatting and laughing with him on the phone, when they were supposed to be discussing business.
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The conversations were very flirty. Meanwhile, she treated me coldly, and made me feel like a lump of dirt on her shoe.
I met him once. He is less than ordinary looking. That made me feel worse - that she’d go for anyone but me.
When I confronted her about it, she denied that they had sex but I didn’t and still don’t believe her.
After talking to my brother, I decided to leave. I’ve been staying with him for a month.
My wife says she still loves me, but it’s good for us to have space. I think she’s probably playing around while she can.
I don’t know how I feel about her. But I miss my children and don’t want them to grow up in a broken home.
Should I call time on my marriage?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s understandable that you feel betrayed by your wife.
She wasn’t there for you when you needed her, instead focusing her attention on another man.
And instead of building up your confidence, she kicked you when you were down.
It sounds like your marriage was in trouble before the suspected affair started. Communication had broken down.
The fact you’re writing in shows you aren’t sure you want to end your marriage yet.
And your wife says she still loves you.
If you both want to give the relationship another chance, you need to rebuild trust.
Read my support packs, Looking After Your Relationship and Cheating, Can You Get Over It?
Think about relationship counselling, which allows you to talk honestly in a safe space. Contact Tavistock Relationships (, tel: 020 7380 1960).
My support pack, Raising Self-Esteem would also be helpful for you to read.
