I’ve made a mistake that could cost me everything
DEAR DEIDRE: A FOOLISH mistake has almost certainly cost me my marriage and looks set to take my livelihood as a vicar too.
I was weak and I got involved with a parishioner. My wife says she can never forgive me but I still love her so much.
I’m 55 and my wife is 53. The woman I had a brief affair with is 38.
My wife and I have been married for 30 years, and we’ve brought up two lovely children, who are now adults.
We met at university, and she was the only woman I’d ever had a sexual relationship with.
But even though I had offers (it comes with the territory) I had never even looked at another woman, let alone contemplated being unfaithful.
Over the past few years, my relationship with my wife has grown less close.
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Menopause has taken away her sex drive, and work commitments mean we don’t spend much time together.
A parishioner came to see me to talk about her own marriage problems.
We soon struck up a friendship and I realised I could talk to her in a way I could no longer do with my wife.
One evening, she kissed me. I’m ashamed to say we ended up having sex in my office.
Afterwards, I felt enormous guilt and said it couldn’t happen again.
But we hadn’t been discreet enough.
Somebody suspected that our relationship had become inappropriate and told my wife and other parishioners.
My wife was angry, heartbroken and embarrassed.
She has said she wants a divorce and is considering telling my superior.
So I would face suspension or even dismissal.
Is there any hope for me and my wife? I could cope with losing my job, but not her love too.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You clearly do still love your wife and feel tremendous guilt about having cheated on her.
You’ve made a mistake – a very human one.
But, unfortunately, the consequences are worse for you than for a layman.
Your affair is now public knowledge, which makes it much harder for you to deal with your marriage alone and privately.
And you’ve also contravened the very particular rules of your job, ruining your reputation in the community.
Your wife is angry and humiliated, but she won’t suddenly have stopped loving you.
Give her time and space to process this. Then talk to her and ask if there’s any way you can rebuild trust.
My support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, should be helpful.
