I should have left my depressed wife when I had the chance
DEAR DEIDRE: I WISH I’d left my wife when I had the chance years ago but I caught her trying to take an overdose — how could I go?
She was 23 then, with two children under five. I was working long hours in a factory and was 27.
We got married because she fell pregnant and her parents were religious, but I knew it didn’t feel right.
I’m 47 now and my wife is 43. We’ve had far fewer ups than downs and, after I found her with a pile of tablets and a bottle of vodka, I never had the guts to leave.
I have stuck by her all this time. She has suffered from depression since we’ve been together.
Now our sons are grown up and we haven’t had sex for years. She doesn’t want to.
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I’ve been thinking so much of a girl I went out with before my wife and can’t get her out of my mind.
She married, but a few months ago I was chatting to her on Facebook.
I found some courage and asked her to meet for a drink. She had aged but she was still as attractive to me as she’d been all those years ago.
I felt hugely turned on, sitting there looking at her. I wanted her like I’ve never wanted anyone before.
We kissed goodbye and I asked if there would ever be a chance to get back together. She said, “Never say never”.
Now it seems she’s blocked me on Facebook. I don’t know what I did or if I offended her.
I care for my wife, but I’m not in love with her.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s just as well this woman blocked you.
Cheating could be catastrophic if you are rumbled and you would break your wife’s heart. She doesn’t deserve that.
You are lacking in communication.
Your sexual frustration is understandable, but intimacy requires more than just intercourse.
If you’re not talking, sex is definitely off the cards. Depression will affect your wife’s sex drive so if she’s not on antidepressants, encourage her to talk to her doctor.
You’ve had a lifetime of coping as the partner of somebody with mental health issues, but things can improve, if that’s what you both want.
Explain to her that you’re feeling miserable in your marriage and you need outside help.
Couples counselling with Tavistock Relationships (020 7380 1960, ) will show you how to recover, or consider separation.
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