My girlfriend is still living with her ex and does not have imminent plans to move out
DEAR DEIDRE: MY relationship has always felt unstable because my girlfriend is still living with her ex.
She has told me many times that she knows it hurts me and she’d understand if I walked away.
She says she would like to stay until she has enough for a deposit on her own flat but she still hasn’t made any concrete plans.
I do trust her, but the problem is he doesn’t know about me, and she doesn’t want to tell him because it would make things awkward while they are living together.
I love her more than anything, but I am having a hard time with this.
I’m 47 and my girlfriend’s 50.
We’ve been together for two years. I rarely speak to her when she’s at her ex’s and neither do her friends.
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She recently went on a road trip with him and his mother to Cornwall and is due back in a few days’ time.
He is 48. I don’t know what to think and it’s killing me. I haven’t got a clue where I stand.
She swears living with her ex is temporary.
I really want to work things out with her but I don’t want to be taken for a ride as she means everything to me.
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DEIDRE SAYS: This is a confusing situation and you are right to worry.
She is keeping both you and her ex in the dark which suggests she isn’t clear about how she feels.
Exes stay exes for a reason but she is still living with her’s so he’s not really her ex.
Either they are having separation issues, where one secretly hopes to reconcile, or they can’t be bothered to move on.
Find out how long the current arrangement will continue, and then make it clear what your limits are.
It wouldn’t be unreasonable to say you don’t want her to spend time away with him again.
Could she share with a friend or rent a room somewhere?
