I’m a parenting expert and you’re talking to your teens wrong – here’s how to set boundaries with explosive rows
THEY’VE long been known to be the most confusing, awkward and downright difficult years.
And teenagers today also have to contend with other seismic life challenges too, including social media and online porn.
But has raising teens really changed that much over the years?
A recent Sun survey found that 47 per cent of parents with secondary-aged children are worried about them being bullied.
Other main concerns include their youngsters’ education, confidence, social skills and friendships, mental health and exposure to inappropriate people or content.
And 42 per cent of parents we surveyed feel their children have needed counselling.
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We know anxiety levels are at an all-time high among adolescents, so what can we do to support our young people?
In day two of our parenting special, we share readers’ worries and offers tips on how to survive teen years.
Teenagers often make plenty of mistakes their parents fret over, but it is through those mistakes that they discover who they want to be.
They still have all the high energy of children and their excitement levels are reaching their peak, but the life experience isn’t there yet.
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It is a time when their friendships become more important than ever as they learn crucial lessons about how to fit in with a social group.
But remember being a teen is a stage, and your kids will come out of it older, wiser and more mature as a result of all their experiences in these formative years. Here are some tips:
COLLABORATE RATHER THAN OVER-RULE: As parents we still need to set boundaries.
When they are overstepped, we need more than ever to work with our children to identify what the real problem is and then work on solutions together.
So if your daughter has been staying out later than agreed, you should tell her you find it unacceptable that she has ignored you, because you worry about her safety and it’s not fair.
Then work together to find out why she keeps turning up later.
Perhaps the bus ride home is so long that she would have to leave her friends nearly an hour before she wants to.
Ask her for solutions. She may suggest getting a lift with her friend and then you pick her up from her friend’s place at 9pm.
By involving children in decision-making, you give them the skills to problem-solve, which will help them throughout their lives.
It empowers them and helps them feel part of the process.
VALIDATE THEIR FEELINGS: No matter how ridiculous you think their feelings about themselves are, don’t dismiss them.
Challenging them when they say they feel embarrassed, stupid or ignored will make them shut off from you.
Better to recognise their experiences, then explore the root problem and work together on solutions.
DON’T TAKE SEPARATION PERSONALLY: “Mum, you’re sooo embarrassing” is a normal outburst.
Teens are developing a lot quicker than adults. And while they may have liked you cheering loudly for them on the sidelines six months ago, it can soon become the most cringe-inducing thing ever.
As your child learns to fit in with new tribes, they will separate from you. Once they feel secure they will come back.
UNSOCIAL MEDIA: Teens feel under so much pressure from the unrealistic expectations they are exposed to multiple times a day on social media.
Encourage them to be their own curator, recognising the content that makes them feel bad about themselves and cutting it out.
Encourage them to value their talents and skills, rather than focusing on their appearance.
REMEMBER, ADULTS DON’T OWN BEING “RIGHT”: If you’ve made a mistake, it’s far better to stop and hold your hands up rather than blunder on.
Perhaps you’ve been too pushy about their revision timetable.
It’s not a sign of weakness to admit you’ve been wrong.
Admitting your faults opens up the door again and shows your children that your relationship is a two-way street.
DON’T GIVE UP: Your children will make mistakes and there will be ruptures. This is all part of them becoming more independent and growing up.
Along the way, it’s fine to set boundaries, reinforced with love and collaborative solutions.
When they feel more secure in their new identity, they will come back.
- The free Dear Deidre podcast on parenting is out now and features JLS’s Aston Merrygold and parenting expert Alicia Drummond. Listen wherever you get your podcasts.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to [email protected]
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Nude pics given to boyfriend
DEAR DEIDRE: I FEEL like my daughter’s been taken over by someone I don’t recognise.
She is 17 and, like most other girls her age, has got heavily into fashion, make-up and boys.
I recently overheard her agreeing to send her new boyfriend naked selfies. He is also 17.
She’s only been with him for a month and has previously dated other boys. I’m really worried she’s going to get a bad reputation.
I tried to speak to her about this but she dismissed me, telling me: “Everyone does it now and you’re old.”
She is constantly on social media, and then complaining that her boobs aren’t big enough or her stomach flat enough.
My happy-go-lucky girl has disappeared and I’m so worried about the lost and confused girl who’s taken her place.
DEIDRE SAYS: There’s huge pressure on our young people, which comes from society viewing social media and online pornography.
Encourage your daughter to see that she can make her own choices.
If particular content is making her feel low, she’d be better off blocking it.
Remind her that so much of what she is seeing isn’t real life.
Influencers suck in their stomach, use flattering angles, filters and editing tools all the time.
And the same goes for porn – explain that it doesn’t depict real life and she shouldn’t ever feel under pressure to do anything sexually that she is not 100 per cent comfortable with.
Gently remind her that sending such intimate images could mean they are shared without her consent which, although illegal, would be hugely traumatic for her.
Talk with her to find solutions, rather than talking at her, which will make her close off from you.
Encourage her to speak to The Mix – see for confidential support.
Fear he is on drugs
DEAR DEIDRE: MY son has been going off the rails for the past two years and now I fear that he’s taking dangerous drugs.
He’s 19, and my only son. I’m his 50-year-old dad.
He’s been acting suspiciously – coming in late, being secretive and is unusually irritable – so when he was out I searched his bedroom.
To my horror, I found some strange pills and powder stashed in small plastic bags.
His mum and I have been worried about the friends he hangs around with. These people get into fights and trouble with the police. Now it seems they’re also into drugs.
My son hasn’t held down a job since he left school. He used to be such a lovely lad but he’s got lost. I’m frightened for his future.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s heart-breaking to watch a child self-destruct.
Try talking to him and expressing your love and concern.
It sounds like he needs professional help.
My support pack, Drug Worries, contains details of organisations to contact.
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Also call Frank, the drugs information and advice service (talktofrank.com, 0300 123 6600).
You need support too. Contact the Family Lives parents’ helpline (familylives.org.uk, 0808 800 2222).
Listen to the NEW Dear Deidre podcast
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Each week, Sally will be joined by an expert and some of your favourite celebs to give helpful, entertaining advice to listener problems.
A brand new episode will be available every THURSDAY.
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