Dear Deidre

THREESY DOES IT

As Dear Deidre launches a new podcast, our agony aunt looks at UK’s top sex fantasies – and the number one is VERY racy

Sally Land

Published: 21:26, 15 Jun 2022
Updated: 10:27, 16 Jun 2022

THE Sun’s legendary Dear Deidre column has been running for more than 40 years, helping millions of our readers with their personal problems.

And now we’re taking the advice page from print to podcast for the first time – and inviting leading experts and famous faces to offer their take on life’s challenges.

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Over 12 episodes, we will discuss everything from sexual problems and dating dilemmas to parenting issues and bereavement.

In the first, column editor Sally Land is joined by body confidence campaigner Jono Lancaster and reality TV star Bobby Norris, who give advice on bullying.

They look at how to combat school bullies, cope with revenge porn and move on from the trauma of past abuse.

Today Sally has shared some key letters that illustrate how the landscape is changing when it comes to relationships and romps.

Threesomes

He’s asked if I’d have a threesome with another guy

DEAR DEIDRE: I FIND it hard enough keeping up with my toyboy lover, but now he wants a threesome.

I hate the thought of disappointing him. What if this pushes him into the arms of someone younger?

I’m 56 and he’s 32. We met last year at the gym and got talking when he offered to train with me.

Things got serious pretty quickly. Within four months, he’d moved in. Our relationship is great. The only issue is I struggle to keep up with him in the bedroom.

All my friends are jealous and say I’ve never looked better, but I feel exhausted. He’s got so much energy and wants sex at least twice a night.

It’s not just a few positions and then a cuddle. He loves trying new sex games and toys. But his latest request is a step too far for me. He’s asked if I’d have a threesome with another guy.

This other bloke is a friend of his and is 35. Inside I was yelling “How the hell am I meant to please two men, when I struggle to keep one happy?”

So far I’ve tried each of his suggestions, so I’m sure he’ll be expecting me to say yes. But I know I won’t enjoy it. I’ll be too worried about pleasing them both.

DEIDRE SAYS: It’s normal to want to please your partner but you should never feel pressured into doing something sexually you are uncomfortable with.

While threesomes may sound fun, the reality for many is, by introducing a third person, you also usher in jealousy and insecurities.

Be honest with your partner. I’m sure he’d hate the idea of you doing something you don’t enjoy just to please him.

My support pack 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex has some other ideas about how to spice things up without involving another person.

Consider telling him your sex drive isn’t as high as his. He may think you want it so regularly because you never say no.

Shift on threesomes

THERE is nothing new about threesomes. A glance at ancient Greek and Roman art depicting trios of naked men and women shows people have believed three is the magic number for a very long time.

But in recent years there has been a shift, mainly due to more openness to a wider variety of sexual activities through increased exposure to porn. According to a recent Sun survey, a threesome is the top fantasy, with 11 per cent of people dreaming of one.

On Dear Deidre, we tend to receive letters about when threesomes go wrong. The common concerns are of a partner falling for the third party and sexual inadequacy. We’ve heard from people who want their friends, exes and even twins to join in.

Being ghosted

He started taking ages to reply to my messages and cancelled a date, saying that he was going to be eating out with his family.

DEAR DEIDRE: I WAS ghosted by a guy who then set up a fake account, pretending to be his best mate. I’m beside myself.

We met on an online dating site. He seemed exactly like me and it was as if I’d found my soul mate. I’m 27 and this guy is 29.

We chatted every day but due to work we only managed to see each other at the weekend. I fell for him and he said he felt the same.

Then he started taking ages to reply to my messages and cancelled a date, saying that he was going to be eating out with his family.

His mum confirmed that on Facebook – or at least I thought it was his mum.

A few hours later, he ghosted me. I was gutted, because it came out of the blue.

He then set up a fake account to message me, pretending to be his best mate and telling me that he was a good guy but not ready for a relationship.

I could tell it was fake by the way it was written. I then took a screenshot and sent it to his friend. He confirmed that it wasn’t him.

It also turned out it wasn’t his mum I was chatting to on Facebook either – that was another fake account. I’m so angry I can’t concentrate.

DEIDRE SAYS: I’m really sorry. Rejection is painful, especially when you don’t know why.

Your consolation has to be that you have found out how untrustworthy he is before you got in even deeper.

He never was your soul mate – reflecting the victim’s own views and feelings back at them is part of a conman’s technique.

My support pack Finding The Right Partner For You can help with reliable ways to make some new contacts.

Digital dating anxiety

WITH numerous dating and social media apps, more people than ever are hooking up virtually.

This can work for many. A recent study by The Imperial Business School found nearly a third (32 per cent) of relationships started between 2015 and 2019 began online, compared to only 19 per cent started between 2005 and 2014. But digital dating can also lead to increased dating anxiety and opportunities for dishonesty.

Every day we hear from women and men who have been catfished, ghosted, lied to and scammed. One woman’s “wealthy young doctor” turned out to be a retired widower living in sheltered accommodation.

There is a lot to be said for getting to know people in real life.

Sexting

I admitted I’d been messaging someone online but told her it didn’t mean anything, as we hadn’t met

DEAR DEIDRE: SEXTING women until the early hours has become an addiction – and one my wife will no longer tolerate.

I am 35 and she is 34. We have one son, aged nine. During our 12 years together, the relationship has not been easy.

My wife had a terrible childhood and I always wanted to give her everything. When bills started mounting up, I took on more overtime and cancelled my TV subscriptions.

When I suggested she could take on a part-time job to help out, she refused to consider it and left me to sort out the financial challenges.

I longed to escape. Then a virtual reality game came up on my phone where you could be anyone you wanted. I used a false name and started talking to an American lady and the messages became sexual.

I fell asleep one night downstairs and my wife saw the messages.

I admitted I’d been messaging someone online but told her it didn’t mean anything, as we hadn’t met.

But my wife was devastated. Eventually we decided to try again and I promised to delete the app. But I was soon sexting other women.

My wife checked my phone again and has now threatened to leave. I’ve put locks on my phone so only she can approve apps, but I’m worried it’s too late for us.

DEIDRE SAYS: Many of these apps are designed to be addictive but you were vulnerable because your relationship is out of balance.

Your wife has been leaving everything to you instead of taking her share of responsibility. She may have had a bad childhood but you need to reset your relationship to one where you are equals, not where you are shouldering all the financial worry alone.

Take time to talk honestly with one another and work out a plan where you share tasks. My support pack Your Relationship MOT tells how to get things back on track.

Sexting stress

THERE has been a huge explosion in sexting, as meeting others who are looking for strictly sexual relationships has never been easier thanks to apps and social media.

At least half of the letters we get on cheating involve sexual messaging and they often develop into a full-blown affair.

The temptation to start flirting online when relationships are stagnating or hitting the rocks proves too much for many.

And still we hear from those who insist that “sexting isn’t cheating as they didn’t touch”.

But the reality, as wronged celebrity Denise Van Outen will testify, is any behaviour that detracts from your relationship is cheating

Sex preferences

I get bored of the missionary or spoon position every Saturday night

DEAR DEIDRE: SEX with my fiancée is lovely but that is all it will ever be. Now I’m on the edge of an exciting sexual affair.

I’m a man of 28 and so is my girlfriend. We got engaged nearly two years ago. I love her but the sex is vanilla and I’m more adventurous.

I was feeling frustrated one night when she was out. I started browsing online and chanced on a kink site. It just blew my mind.

I’ve suggested trying a little S&M but she refused, saying she wasn’t “getting into all that twisted stuff”.

When I joined the chatroom I was thrilled to find women who were into the same stuff as me. Soon I was chatting online.

I clicked with one woman in particular. She turned me on big time and made me laugh too. We messaged each night for a couple of weeks. She’s 31.

So far we’ve met twice and have agreed the next time we’ll have sex. I’m so excited but also apprehensive.

Life with my caring fiancée is steady and safe. I know she loves me and won’t walk away. And I love her. I wish she would try something new.

I get bored of the missionary or spoon position every Saturday night. What should I do?

DEIDRE SAYS: Your fiancée is steady and makes you feel loved, but you know what you like in bed and you’re not going to get it from her.

Could you be faithful long term? You’re not doing well so far. This sounds like a safety-net love.

The woman from the website sounds right up your street. But how could you know if you’re really compatible from kinky messages?

Here’s a suggestion. Don’t run from one woman to the next. You’re 28, you don’t need to be cared for – you need a spell on your own.

Leave your fiancée. She’s not right for you. Get your own place or share somewhere with a friend.

You can still see this other woman, but stay independent for now. Keep your feet on the ground and you won’t need your safety-net love.

Lack of spicier sex

THE Dear Deidre team has always had a lot of letters on differing levels of sexual drive. But lately we’ve started hearing increasingly from couples where one is more sexually adventurous than the other.

For some, the lack of spicier sex leads to them straying or ending the relationship altogether. This greater interest in sexual experimentation is due to widely available free porn but also more liberated books, TV shows and films including Sex Education, Bridgerton, Fifty Shades Of Grey and Normal People.

One reader wanted to split with her boyfriend because he wasn’t keen on S&M and another couldn’t understand why his girlfriend refused to go to swinging parties.

New podcast starts this week

YOU can find advice from your favourite agony aunt in the paper, online, on social media and – from today – on a new weekly podcast.

Dear Deidre editor Sally Land will be chatting to a host of celebrities to get their unique take on readers’ concerns in areas ranging from sex and dating to bereavement.