I’m scared I’ll disappoint my BDSM-loving girlfriend if I don’t let her whip me
DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend has turned to porn because she’s annoyed and frustrated by my poor performance in bed. I have been having some erection problems.
I am scared that I disappoint her even though I try to please her sexually with toys, my hands and oral sex.
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She likes watching extreme porn with men much larger than me, which is affecting my confidence.
She is also into BDSM and wants us to try it. I’m happy to experiment with some milder elements but she wants to properly hurt me.
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The thought of it turns my stomach but I’m scared that if I don’t do as she says she’ll find another man to help her with her fantasies.
I’m 39 and my girlfriend’s 37. We’ve been together for 12 years. We have two girls aged nine and seven.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m very concerned for you. Your girlfriend sounds extremely abusive.
This is not the behaviour of someone in a loving relationship. Sex must always be consensual. Don’t give into her emotional blackmail.
Your erection problems are likely due to the way she treats you, rather than anything being physically wrong.
Nobody should feel pressured into doing anything they don’t want to do in the bedroom.
My support packs, Standing Up For Yourself and Abusive Partner, will help you to talk to her and find support.