I am totally fixated on man from my wild past and want to leave my husband
DEAR DEIDRE: I PUT my wild days behind me when I married a good man but 12 years on, a guy from my past has turned my world upside-down.
By the age of 16 I was drinking heavily, dabbling in drugs and I’d had sex with a few of the boys from my crowd.
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Looking back, I see I was completely out of control, always looking for the drama.
My parents were devastated when I fell pregnant at 21 after a one-night stand.
I was in shock and the father didn’t want to know.
I never saw him again. Mum and Dad thought it was the end of the world but in fact, it forced me to grow up and stop being so selfish.
When my baby son was only six months old, I met the guy who would become my husband. He was kind and sensible — unlike anyone I’d been with before.
I’m now 35 and he’s 38. We’ve been married for 12 years.
I was attracted to him but not as much as other men I’d been with.
Life plodded along and I had another child. In my head, I settled down for the sake of my son and life was OK.
I’d never strayed until this other guy came back into my life. He is 36.
I couldn’t resist meeting him in hidden country spots and I loved feeling passion and danger again. We’d meet up to kiss and hug.
The sexual tension was intense and I’m sure we’d have slept together but my husband found messages between us.
He was devastated and this other man disappeared.
We are now trying to make our marriage work but it’s hard.
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I’m still obsessed with this other man. I think it’s been an ego boost for him.
I know my heart does not belong with my husband – but I worry about how I’d cope with the kids on my own.
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DEIDRE SAYS: I understand the pull towards this guy but how much of that is because he represents pre-child freedom?
He is never going to be there for you, so put him out of your mind, blocking him if necessary and focus fully on your relationship with your husband.
A relationship cannot sustain itself. You have to invest effort.
It is not easy to keep love and sex feeling fresh and alive, but it can be done. My support pack Your Relationship MOT explains more.
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If, after giving your marriage everything, you still feel you are flogging a dead horse, it is better to be honest and move on.
Then you will be free to meet someone openly who is right for you.