My wife upped her sex game after I cheated – but now I can’t keep up
DEAR DEIDRE: I CAN’T keep up with my wife now she’s upped her game in the bedroom – it’s all bondage, blindfolds and whips.
It started after she discovered I had been sleeping with my assistant, but now I feel like I’m the one disappointing her.
We are both in our 40s. We met at school and married at 19. But after 17 years together, I was growing bored of the same old.
When a flirty 24-year-old took the job as my assistant, I couldn’t help myself. We began staying late so we could have sex at the office.
I felt guilty from the start, but there was something addictive about sex with this woman and I was hooked on the thrill — the risk of being caught at it on my desk.
One night, my wife wanted to surprise me with a meal because I was having to work late, again.
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She walked straight in on my assistant pleasuring me orally. I’ll never forget the horrified look on my wife’s face.
She went to stay at her sister’s for a few days, before texting me, asking to talk. I was expecting her to scream and shout, but she opened with an apology.
She said: “I’m sorry I haven’t been enough for you.” I was stunned. Surely I should be the one asking for forgiveness?
We agreed to a fresh start, and I thought that would mean a few more date nights, and sex more often than Christmas and birthdays.
But my wife has taken it as a prompt to up her game at sex.
Now she wants to try these crazy positions, sex in public and scary-looking toys. It all feels too aggressive and it’s getting a bit much.
But I feel obliged to take her up on her ideas, and so sometimes I can’t last more than five minutes because I’m so uncomfortable.
How do we go back to the way things were before?
DEIDRE SAYS: Going back to your predictable sex life is what got you into this situation.
You both need to face up to what has happened and what changes you need so your future works. And yes, you can start by apologising for being unfaithful.
Explain to your wife that while you appreciate her efforts to keep your sex life interesting, there are limits to what you are happy to try and that you also want to reconnect emotionally.
My support pack 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex gives you plenty of ideas, some of which may be more to your liking – go through it together and decide what you would both be keen to try.