My husband wants to stay with me and continue affair with his online lover
DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband has had an online girlfriend for the last 18 months.
They have met a few times in real life and now she wants him to move in with her and her kids.
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That sounds crazy to me. I feel he is punishing me for a brief affair I had more than 15 years ago. He’s 48, I’m 46 and this girlfriend is 32.
We’ve been married for 23 years, with two sons and a daughter.
Our eldest boy recently bought his first house and his brother has moved in with his girlfriend.
Our daughter is at uni and has stayed there throughout lockdown.
Our marriage has had its ups and downs but even the good times were overshadowed by my affair.
My husband was working away at the time and I was stressed out, caring for two little boys on my own.
I felt guilty as hell and confessed to my husband. I now wish I’d kept my mouth shut.
He was angry with me but decided to stay for the sake of our kids. But he never lets me forget it, not one single day.
I hoped he would get over it eventually but he never has.
Despite that, we have enjoyed each other’s company and our sex life has always been good.
He started to behave strangely last year and was never off his phone. I asked him why he was acting that way.
He eventually told me he’d met a girl in a chatroom two years ago and that the relationship had gradually become more intimate.
She is a single parent with daughters aged five and three. I can’t see him enjoying that in reality.
My husband said that he had always planned to move on from me when our children left home, as he felt I didn’t need him any more. That was news to me.
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He talks to this woman constantly online but he says he doesn’t want a divorce and he doesn’t, in fact, want to leave me.
He’s asked me if he can keep both relationships going. I know I did wrong years ago but that doesn’t seem fair.
DEIDRE SAYS: I agree. That wouldn’t make anyone happy at all, so be firm with him that this isn’t an option.
It seems all this goes back to the hurt that was caused when you had that affair.
Yes, you made a mistake but I’m guessing the two of you didn’t spend enough time talking about what had gone wrong in your marriage that caused you to act in that way, or put in the effort to heal the pain.
Did you tell him you loved him and that he was the man you still wanted most?
Tell him now that you want him to stay so that you can enjoy the next stage of your life together.
It might take help for you both to move on and be loving again.
My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It? should help.
But if he won’t end his affair or seriously try to mend your marriage, it is time you went your separate ways.